Here's the retort I wrote up, we should make it really good and then post it back next time that fool posts his on Slashdot again. Yeah I know I was bored at work...
Official Anonymous Coward Gentoo Slashdot Troll translator-o-matic
Let's look at the language of a Slashdot Troll who posts anomyously because he's a coward and doesn't want to be flamed. He uses Red Hat and thinks it is the best thing that was ever invented. He doesn't realize that Gentoo users have respect for other distros and support the idea of choice.
"Although I can't use the box at the moment because it's compiling something, as it will be for the next five days, it gives me more time to check out the latest USE flags and potentially unstable optimisation settings."
I have never used Gentoo because I lack the skills to build a Linux system. I am ignorant of the fact that no package takes five days to compile, and that the standard optimization settings are not unstable. It is scary for me to use something that is not compiled for a 386. I also didn't realize that you can do more than one thing at a time on Linux. Multitasking? Is that when more than one app shows up in my task bar?
"Apart from Hello World in Pascal at school, I've never written a single program in my life or contributed to an open source project, yet staring at endless streams of GCC output whizzing by somehow helps me contribute to international freedom."
I've never watched a program compile because I love RPMs. I don't understand that some people like to have the latest versions of packages instead of waiting for a .deb or .rpm release. It hurts my feelings that other people know more about programming than I do so I made up this argument. I am only using Linux because it's free and I don't care for the spirit of open source and free choice, which is why I feel I must put people down for choosing a different distribution than the one I use.
"Last month I tried to install FreeBSD on a well-supported machine, but the text-based installer scared me off. I've never used a BSD, but the guys on Slashdot say that it's l33t though, so surely I must be for using Gentoo."
I am ignorant of the fact that apt-get, another very popular and powerful package manager, is also very similar to Ports. It was actually me who the text-based installer scared off, and that is why I don't want to try Gentoo. My real issue here is my insecurity, and my defense mechanism is making fun of how long it takes to compile programs from source.
"I've spent hours recompiling Fetchmail, X-Chat, gEdit and thousands of other programs which spend 99% of their time waiting for user input. Even though only the kernel and glibc make a significant difference with optimisations, and RPMs and .debs can be rebuilt with a handful of commands (AND Red Hat supplies i686 kernel and glibc packages), my box MUST be faster. It's nothing to do with the fact that I've disabled all startup services and I'm running BlackBox instead of GNOME or KDE."
I've never used Gentoo so that's why I don't know that large programs like GNOME, KDE, and OpenOffice load much faster. After being loaded, they are also much more responsive. I should really read the forums where countless ex-Red Hat users talk about how much faster things load in Gentoo. As if that wasn't enough, I am also ignorant of the fact that I can use BOTH apt-get AND rpm package managers inside Gentoo if I am so inclined.
"...my overclocked AMD eMachines box from PC World, and apart from the third-grade made-to-break components and dodgy fan..."
Again, I've never used Gentoo and I love my distro so this was funny to me. It's actually me who uses an overclocked machine because I find that programs in Red Hat are far too unresponsive. It helps things go a little more smoothly to make my clock faster because I am not taking advantage of the special instructions my awesome brand new CPU can support. I hate people that have taken the time to optimize a system for their processor because I like point-and-click. So again, I will make fun of how long it takes to compile things. Five days, hahaha! Shoot, I better get out of the lab and get to third period before I'm tardy!
"I'm too stupid to understand that circular dependencies can be resolved by specifying BOTH .rpms together on the command line, and that problems hardly ever occur if one uses proper Red Hat packages instead of mixing SuSE, Mandrake and Joe's Linux packages together (which the system wasn't designed for)."
I'm too stupid to realize that Gentoo can use RPMs just like other distributions. I don't want to try a new package manager because I'm lazy and stupid. I don't want other people to try it because then they will have more knowledge than me. People should not have a choice in what software they run, and compiling takes a long time! Hahahaha! I crack myself up.
"Constantly upgrading to the latest bleeding-edge untested software makes me more productive. Never mind the extensive testing and patching that Debian and Red Hat perform on their packages; I've just emerged the latest GNOME beta snapshot and compiled with -O9 -fomit-instructions, and it only crashes once every few hours."
I will be using KDE 2.2 until 2010 because I know it is stable. The extensive testing that goes into it assures me that it will never crash. I don't know what -O9 means because I've never read the GCC man page and -fomit-instructions sounds pretty funny! I didn't realize that you can use packages that aren't bleeding-edge in Gentoo. It also slipped my mind that anyone running a production server wouldn't install bloated GUIs anyways. I love the way Red Hat makes up their own version numbers for packages because it makes me feel special. I have no idea what the real version of the software I'm running is and since I don't care about things like security it doesn't matter to me.
"OK, so no serious business is going to even consider Gentoo in the near future, and even with proper support and QA in place, it'll still eat up far too much of a company's valuable time. But this guy I met on #animepr0n is now using it, so it must be growing!"
It angers me that a bunch of freelance hackers can put together such a good distribution. I love to pay Red Hat their support charge to get my updates delievered straight to my Bluecurve GUI. I heard that Window Server 2003 was going to have a command-line interface, so I'm going to save my money for Longhorn. I didn't realize that many productive companies are already starting to use Gentoo because it's easy to install, it isn't bloated with applications not needed, uses less memory, and can actually be installed FASTER than Red Hat if I choose to use the GRP or a stage 3 install. I think it is far more economical to pay Red Hat for support and copies of their free software because, well, my company does it with Windows and that's working out great!
Meh.