Jokess

Old School · Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 7:27 pm Post subject:

A woman is standing on the edge of a precipice preparing to end it all by jumping, when a homeless man walks up and inquires, "Whatcha doing lady?"
"I'm going to end it all," she replies.
"Well, before you do, ya wanna fuck?"
"Ewww, with you... no way."
"That's okay," he replied, "I'll see ya at the bottom."
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I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

Muso · Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:16 pm Post subject:

Sick
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“If the words 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on.” ~ T. McKenna

eponymous_dick · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1550 Location: U.S.A.

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"I before E, except after C, or when sounded like A, as in 'neighbor' and 'weigh'... unless you have sufficient cause to seize a scientist's heist of weird foreign species."

Muso · Posted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 6:43 pm Post subject:

Recently in Washington , D.C., an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your cathedral, if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the Church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.

As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Ms. Pelosi is a saint."
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“If the words 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on.” ~ T. McKenna

bogamol · Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 4:46 pm Post subject:

Our Modern Education System:

Creating people who are smart enough to accurately repeat what they are told and follow orders & dumb enough to think that makes them smarter than anyone else.
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Freedom is the oxygen of the soul. -Moshe Dayan

pjp · Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 11:25 pm Post subject:

bogamol · Posted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 5:06 am Post subject:

Muso · Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 5:01 am Post subject:

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?" asks the Priest.

The elderly man replied, "Because I'm telling everybody!"
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“If the words 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on.” ~ T. McKenna

pjp · Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 5:23 am Post subject:

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lolgov. 'cause where we're going, you don't have civil liberties.

In Loving Memory
1787 - 2008

BonezTheGoon · Posted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 4:29 pm Post subject:

Very nice! Thanks!
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Muso · Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 4:16 am Post subject:

First she said, "Take off my shoes". So I took off her shoes.
Then she said, "Take off my shirt". So I took off her shirt.
The she said, "Take off my skirt". So I took off her skirt.
Then she said, "Now take off my bra, panties and hose". So I took off her bra, panties and hose.
Then she said, "I never want to see you wearing my stuff again".
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“If the words 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on.” ~ T. McKenna

bogamol · Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 4:27 am Post subject:

pjp · Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 4:37 am Post subject:

Muso · Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 5:01 am Post subject:

eponymous_dick · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1550 Location: U.S.A.

Q: Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur's round table?

A: Sir Cumference

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, "I've lost my electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first one says, "I'm positive!"
_________________
"I before E, except after C, or when sounded like A, as in 'neighbor' and 'weigh'... unless you have sufficient cause to seize a scientist's heist of weird foreign species."

tylerwylie · Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2004 Posts: 455 Location: /US/Illinois