Jokess

Old School · Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 7:27 pm Post subject:

A woman is standing on the edge of a precipice preparing to end it all by jumping, when a homeless man walks up and inquires, "Whatcha doing lady?"
"I'm going to end it all," she replies.
"Well, before you do, ya wanna fuck?"
"Ewww, with you... no way."
"That's okay," he replied, "I'll see ya at the bottom."
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Irony is asking government to fix the problems it caused

Muso · Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:16 pm Post subject:

Sick
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I, for one, am glad to be living on a planet with 776x the mass of the super-massive black hole at the center of the milky way just to keep Neptune in its daily orbit around the Earth.
auf alten Schiffen lernt man Segeln.

Bones McCracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1571 Location: U.S.A.

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Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before

Muso · Posted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 6:43 pm Post subject:

Recently in Washington , D.C., an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your cathedral, if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the Church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.

As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Ms. Pelosi is a saint."
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I, for one, am glad to be living on a planet with 776x the mass of the super-massive black hole at the center of the milky way just to keep Neptune in its daily orbit around the Earth.
auf alten Schiffen lernt man Segeln.

bogamol · Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 4:46 pm Post subject:

Our Modern Education System:

Creating people who are smart enough to accurately repeat what they are told and follow orders & dumb enough to think that makes them smarter than anyone else.
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Freedom is the oxygen of the soul. -Moshe Dayan

pjp · Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 11:25 pm Post subject:

bogamol · Posted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 5:06 am Post subject:

Muso · Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 5:01 am Post subject:

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?" asks the Priest.

The elderly man replied, "Because I'm telling everybody!"
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I, for one, am glad to be living on a planet with 776x the mass of the super-massive black hole at the center of the milky way just to keep Neptune in its daily orbit around the Earth.
auf alten Schiffen lernt man Segeln.

pjp · Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 5:23 am Post subject:

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lolgov. 'cause where we're going, you don't have civil liberties.

In Loving Memory
1787 - 2008

BonezTheGoon · Posted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 4:29 pm Post subject:

Very nice! Thanks!
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Muso · Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 4:16 am Post subject:

First she said, "Take off my shoes". So I took off her shoes.
Then she said, "Take off my shirt". So I took off her shirt.
The she said, "Take off my skirt". So I took off her skirt.
Then she said, "Now take off my bra, panties and hose". So I took off her bra, panties and hose.
Then she said, "I never want to see you wearing my stuff again".
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I, for one, am glad to be living on a planet with 776x the mass of the super-massive black hole at the center of the milky way just to keep Neptune in its daily orbit around the Earth.
auf alten Schiffen lernt man Segeln.

bogamol · Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 4:27 am Post subject:

pjp · Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 4:37 am Post subject:

Muso · Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 5:01 am Post subject:

Bones McCracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1571 Location: U.S.A.

Q: Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur's round table?

A: Sir Cumference

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, "I've lost my electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first one says, "I'm positive!"
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Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before

tylerwylie · Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2004 Posts: 456 Location: /US/Georgia

Muso · Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2014 6:42 am Post subject:

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest
with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the SHIT!'
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I, for one, am glad to be living on a planet with 776x the mass of the super-massive black hole at the center of the milky way just to keep Neptune in its daily orbit around the Earth.
auf alten Schiffen lernt man Segeln.

pjp · Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2014 1:13 pm Post subject:

_________________
lolgov. 'cause where we're going, you don't have civil liberties.

In Loving Memory
1787 - 2008

richk449 · Guru Joined: 24 Oct 2003 Posts: 345

Bones McCracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1571 Location: U.S.A.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am just serious by nature."

The young lad y looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
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Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before

Muso · Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2014 6:31 pm Post subject:

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I, for one, am glad to be living on a planet with 776x the mass of the super-massive black hole at the center of the milky way just to keep Neptune in its daily orbit around the Earth.
auf alten Schiffen lernt man Segeln.

porodzila · Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2014 9:01 pm Post subject:

What do you call a one eyed deer?

. . .

I have no idear.

(for the english challenged :

I have no eye deer. ( idear being a colloquial pronunciation of idea . . . not 100% the brits hear this commonly either. ));
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ubi primum potero, me hinc subduco.

Naib · Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2014 9:28 pm Post subject:

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
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the table is made from wood. forget what you learnt, the table is made from carbon. forget what you learnt, the table is made from protons. forget what you learnt, the table is made from quarks. forget what you learnt, the table is good for shagging on

bogamol · Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 3:44 am Post subject:

How many Freudian Psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to hold onto my penis - i mean the ladder.

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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

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I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off really bad, but towards the end, I started to like it.

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off!

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You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes.
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Freedom is the oxygen of the soul. -Moshe Dayan

notageek · Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 4:37 am Post subject:

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There is no guarantee a stupid Dalai Lama won’t come next -- Dalai Lama