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Old School
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2012 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
Old School wrote:
I remember it like it was yesterday. :P

No, not because you're "old"; because you would appreciate the sense of humor.

Thank you. I do like language, I guess you could tell.

And I remember it like it was yesterday.
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2012 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Remembered by others?

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon, he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently broke wind. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago; but an embarrassing thing happened, and since then, I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident, too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
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jdmulloy
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
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notageek
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 3:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
:lol:

My maths teacher was a tall bald man and apparently not shy of farting in the class.

One time I remember him explaining something something on the board, farting and then asking "Understood?"1
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ak47gen
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2012 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A whole list of them here, sorry for the long link.

http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=33-189-002&SortField=0&SummaryType=0&Pagesize=100&PurchaseMark=&SelectedRating=-1&VideoOnlyMark=False&VendorMark=&IsFeedbackTab=true&Keywords=%28keywords%29&Page=1#scrollFullInfo
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Muso
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2012 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A sibyl, a haruspex, and a rhabdomantist walked into a bar.
The sibyl said, "I see this big destructive force coming to the world, and it's going to be terrible."
And as the haruspex looked at the Buffalo wings, "Yeah, it's going to rain so hard that all the lands will be flooded, crops will be ruined, buildings will crumble, tens and tens of thousands of people will die."
And the rhabdomantist said, "That's terrible! Why...I'll be out of a job!"
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Muso
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2012 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How To Write Good
by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14 Profanity sucks.

15. Be more or less specific.

16. Understatement is always best.

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
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Old School
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2012 5:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Earth wrote:
A sibyl, a haruspex, and a rhabdomantist walked into a bar.
The sibyl said, "I see this big destructive force coming to the world, and it's going to be terrible."
And as the haruspex looked at the Buffalo wings, "Yeah, it's going to rain so hard that all the lands will be flooded, crops will be ruined, buildings will crumble, tens and tens of thousands of people will die."
And the rhabdomantist said, "That's terrible! Why...I'll be out of a job!"

I had to look all of those up. :D
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 05, 2012 9:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David: your mother and father have a child who is neither your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Answered answered, "Why, that would be myself, Your Majesty."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home and decided to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went around and asked each member of the President's cabinet in turn, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran into Ron Paul out eating one night. Biden asked, "Ron, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Ron Paul answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" The next morning he went into Obama's office. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Ron Paul!"

Obama looked up in disgust, thinking "I knew it, I'm surrounded by idiots!", and said, "No, you dumb-ass! It's David Cameron!"
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Old School
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 05, 2012 9:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well we do know he can't operate an umbrella.
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desultory
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 7:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Old School wrote:
Well we do know he can't operate an umbrella.
That explains so much.
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wasn't it the umbrella corporation owning Solyndra that donated shitloads of money to his "campaign fund"?
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jdmulloy
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2012 2:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar and the bartender says "hey, Mitt."
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nancy Pelosi walks into a bar with a toad on her head.

"What in the Hell is that?", asks the bartender.

The toad replies, "I don’t know – it started off as nothing but a wart on my ass and keeps getting bigger".
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Muso
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 3:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

"Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that? ”

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
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Muso
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 5:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Painfully bad visual pun
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 6:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Putin on the Ritz. :lol:
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Clad in Sky
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 9:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Earth wrote:
How To Write Good
by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14 Profanity sucks.

15. Be more or less specific.

16. Understatement is always best.

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

23. Who needs rhetorical questions?


Great!
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marens
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 6:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: What's a horny pirates worst nightmare?
A: A sunken chest with no booty!
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ak47gen
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

marens wrote:
Q: What's a horny pirates worst nightmare?
A: A sunken chest with no booty!


Oh I was thinking something with a fishy smelling poop deck.
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marens
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
Putin on the Ritz. :lol:


ok ok, after googling that this http://omploader.org/vY3UwaA makes a whole lot of more sense :D
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Muso
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

marens wrote:
BoneKracker wrote:
Putin on the Ritz. :lol:


ok ok, after googling that this http://omploader.org/vY3UwaA makes a whole lot of more sense :D


Indeed! Nice find on that animated gif.
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Old School
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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notageek
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 3:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol:
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Muso
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

notageek wrote:
:lol:


++

Loved that one, Old School. Clean enough to share, but still dirty enough to elicit legitimate laughs.
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