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Zepp
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 4:46 pm    Post subject: Re: Dear Meat Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue. "Well", he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

They both think about it for a while, and then suddenly the little girl screams to her brother... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! Don't eat it! It's an asshole!"
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sts
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 6:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Last time I heard that one I laughed so hard I fell of my dinosaur.
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sts wrote:
Last time I heard that one I laughed so hard I fell of my dinosaur.

That's about as funny as a fart in a space suit.
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desultory
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 7:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Merged the above five posts.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 6:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

desultory wrote:
Merged the above five posts.

Thank you.
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian is entering the fourth grade.

The teacher says, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She sees a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who has his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775?", he says.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863?".

"Excellent!" Then the teacher snaps at the rest of the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

Then she hears a loud whisper from the back: "Fuck the Indians!"
"Who said that?", she demands.

Smiling, Chandrasekhar puts his hand up: "General George Armstrong Custer, 1862".

At that point, another student in the back says, "I think I'm gonna fuckin' puke!"
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Becoming excited, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991!"

Now furious, another student yells, "Blow me, beotch!"

Chandrasekhar, who is on a roll now, jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

The teacher faints.

And as the class gathers around the teacher on the floor, someone says, "Oh shit, what have we done?!"
And Chandrasekhar says quietly, "The American people, November 5th, 2008?"
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
It is the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian is entering the fourth grade.

The teacher says, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She sees a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who has his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775?", he says.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863?".

"Excellent!" Then the teacher snaps at the rest of the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

Then she hears a loud whisper from the back: "Fuck the Indians!"
"Who said that?", she demands.

Smiling, Chandrasekhar puts his hand up: "General George Armstrong Custer, 1862".

At that point, another student in the back says, "I think I'm gonna fuckin' puke!"
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Becoming excited, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991!"

Now furious, another student yells, "Blow me, beotch!"

Chandrasekhar, who is on a roll now, jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

The teacher faints.

And as the class gathers around the teacher on the floor, someone says, "Oh shit, what have we done?!"
And Chandrasekhar says quietly, "The American people, November 5th, 2008?"
awesome, :lol:
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

He replies, 'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2008 12:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol:
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2008 12:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Einstein's was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's theory of relativetitty.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2008 12:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*grooooaaaannn*
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can someone explain where the joke in this picture is?

http://upload.beyondhollywood.de/images/1228501357_1262m59x.jpg
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bloodsurfer wrote:
Can someone explain where the joke in this picture is?

http://upload.beyondhollywood.de/images/1228501357_1262m59x.jpg
the guy sitting on the bonnet of the car and the brown-like stream thing?
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
Bloodsurfer wrote:
Can someone explain where the joke in this picture is?

http://upload.beyondhollywood.de/images/1228501357_1262m59x.jpg
the guy sitting on the bonnet of the car and the brown-like stream thing?

I thought it was the emo-guy near the semaphore on the left.
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 9:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
Bloodsurfer wrote:
Can someone explain where the joke in this picture is?

http://upload.beyondhollywood.de/images/1228501357_1262m59x.jpg
the guy sitting on the bonnet of the car and the brown-like stream thing?

OMG! It's in the grass!

You have to look for a long time, and "zoom your eyes out", like you do with those "Magic Eye" pictures. I couldn't see it until I crossed my eyes and held them like that. Holy shit!
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 9:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
Bloodsurfer wrote:
Can someone explain where the joke in this picture is?

http://upload.beyondhollywood.de/images/1228501357_1262m59x.jpg
the guy sitting on the bonnet of the car and the brown-like stream thing?

OMG! It's in the grass!

You have to look for a long time, and "zoom your eyes out", like you do with those "Magic Eye" pictures. I couldn't see it until I crossed my eyes and held them like that. Holy shit!


All I'm seeing is grass and a bad shop job.
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i see a little alien head, is that right?
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The gods look down and see a marine rowing across the ocean. They decide to test and see how much of his brain can be removed without imparing function.

so first they test him with a ful brain, and have him row from where he is.

listening in they can hear him keeping time as he rows:

"YOU ESS MARINE CORE, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, YOU ESS MARINE CORE, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR"

so they remove a quarter of his brain and hear:

"You... Ess... Marine... Core... One... Two... Three... Four... You... Ess... Marine... Core... One... Two... Three... Four..."

he's slowed down, but still doing well, so they remove another quarter and listen in:

"you... ... ess... ... marine... ... core... ... one... ... two... ... three... ... four... ... you... ... ess... ... marine... ... core... ... one... ... two... ... three... ... four... ..."

slower, but still going. leaving him with only a quarter of his brain they hear him still keeping time:

"you... ...
ess... ...
marine... ...
core... ...
one... ...
two... ...
three... ...
four... ...
you... ...
ess... ...
marine... ...
core... ...
one... ...
two... ...
three... ...
four... ..."

Amazed, the look at each other and say, "there's no way he could function if he didn't have a brain" so they remove the last quarter and hear:

"ANCHORS AWEIGH, MY BOYS, ANCHORS AWEIGH!"

NQS
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 6:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

NotQuiteSane wrote:
The gods look down and see a marine rowing across the ocean. They decide to test and see how much of his brain can be removed without imparing function.

so first they test him with a ful brain, and have him row from where he is.

listening in they can hear him keeping time as he rows:

"YOU ESS MARINE CORE, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, YOU ESS MARINE CORE, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR"

so they remove a quarter of his brain and hear:

"You... Ess... Marine... Core... One... Two... Three... Four... You... Ess... Marine... Core... One... Two... Three... Four..."

he's slowed down, but still doing well, so they remove another quarter and listen in:

"you... ... ess... ... marine... ... core... ... one... ... two... ... three... ... four... ... you... ... ess... ... marine... ... core... ... one... ... two... ... three... ... four... ..."

slower, but still going. leaving him with only a quarter of his brain they hear him still keeping time:

"you... ...
ess... ...
marine... ...
core... ...
one... ...
two... ...
three... ...
four... ...
you... ...
ess... ...
marine... ...
core... ...
one... ...
two... ...
three... ...
four... ..."

Amazed, the look at each other and say, "there's no way he could function if he didn't have a brain" so they remove the last quarter and hear:

"ANCHORS AWEIGH, MY BOYS, ANCHORS AWEIGH!"

NQS


Is this funny? I don't get it.
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 7:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

jdmulloy wrote:

Is this funny? I don't get it.


were you in the navy?

and no, i was in neither.

NQS
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 7:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

jdmulloy wrote:
NotQuiteSane wrote:
The gods look down and see a marine rowing across the ocean. They decide to test and see how much of his brain can be removed without imparing function.

so first they test him with a ful brain, and have him row from where he is.

listening in they can hear him keeping time as he rows:

"YOU ESS MARINE CORE, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, YOU ESS MARINE CORE, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR"

so they remove a quarter of his brain and hear:

"You... Ess... Marine... Core... One... Two... Three... Four... You... Ess... Marine... Core... One... Two... Three... Four..."

he's slowed down, but still doing well, so they remove another quarter and listen in:

"you... ... ess... ... marine... ... core... ... one... ... two... ... three... ... four... ... you... ... ess... ... marine... ... core... ... one... ... two... ... three... ... four... ..."

slower, but still going. leaving him with only a quarter of his brain they hear him still keeping time:

"you... ...
ess... ...
marine... ...
core... ...
one... ...
two... ...
three... ...
four... ...
you... ...
ess... ...
marine... ...
core... ...
one... ...
two... ...
three... ...
four... ..."

Amazed, the look at each other and say, "there's no way he could function if he didn't have a brain" so they remove the last quarter and hear:

"ANCHORS AWEIGH, MY BOYS, ANCHORS AWEIGH!"

NQS


Is this funny? I don't get it.


WhenI started reading that, I was expecting them to remove his brain and he would still act the same, but this doesn't make much sense.
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 8:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

British Police finally admit they got it wrong, when they shot Jean Charles De Menez on the subway in 2005.

They were after his naughty brother, Dennis De Menez.
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 9:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dralnu wrote:
jdmulloy wrote:


Is this funny? I don't get it.


WhenI started reading that, I was expecting them to remove his brain and he would still act the same, but this doesn't make much sense.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interservice_rivalry
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 9:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

NotQuiteSane wrote:
Dralnu wrote:
jdmulloy wrote:


Is this funny? I don't get it.


WhenI started reading that, I was expecting them to remove his brain and he would still act the same, but this doesn't make much sense.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interservice_rivalry


?
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 10:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I got it for some strange reason on the first time.
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