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praxim
Tux's lil' helper
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Joined: 14 May 2002
Posts: 75
Location: State College, PA

PostPosted: Fri Oct 04, 2002 7:36 pm    Post subject: Clean jokes Reply with quote

Though dirty, violent, and otherwise tastless jokes crack me up all the time, my favorites are undoubtedly the "clean" ones... An example:


What's the difference between an introvert mathematician and an extrovert mathematician?

The introvert looks at his shoes while speaking to you. The extrovert looks at your shoes while he's talking to you.


Oh, sure, I'm not bursting out in riotous laughter, but it keeps me giggling for days at a time, especially because my math professor is definitely of the extroverted variety...
Speaking of my math professor and jokes, it's pretty sad hearing him try to tell them. He has a nervous disposition and a thick Russian accent, so it's funny anyway, but the jokes themselves are only amusing to the dorkier among those in our class (myself included).

Dr. B: What is the derivative of acceleration?
Me: Jerk.
Dr. B: Right. Now, when you are riding in the car and holding a cup of coffee, if there is a big acceleration your coffee will not spill out of the cup. But if there is a big change in acceleration, then your coffee will spill. In other words, it is a big jerk that spills your coffee.

You could hear people in classes down the hall groaning.
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rac
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 04, 2002 7:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A hardware hacker and a software hacker are driving down a hill when their brakes fail. The car eventually coasts to a stop some distance after the bottom of the hill, and fortunately they avoid hitting anything. The hardware hacker gets out of the car, opens the hood, and starts peeking and poking around. "I think I can fix this," she says, "hand me that coathanger, would you?" "Wait," says the software hacker. "Before you start changing anything, let's push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if the problem is repeatable."
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carambola5
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 04, 2002 10:35 pm    Post subject: mmmm Reply with quote

mmmm, gotta love that self-deprecating humor:

One day, 2 engineers were walking down the street. As they are talking, Engineer 2 brings up the fact that Engineer 1 has a new bike. "Hey," says #2. "Where'd you get the wheels?"
Engineer 1 replies, "The strangest thing happened yesterday. I was walking down this very street, when a beautiful, busty young woman rides up to me on this bike. Right in front of me, she throws down the bike, takes off all her clothes, spreads her arms and says, 'Take what you want!'"
Engineer 2 nods in understanding. "Good choice," he says. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

----------------
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were playing 18 at an exclusive golf club, when they came upon a ridiculously slow foursome ahead of them. Seeing as they caught up on the second hole, it took over 4 hours to play the front nine. After playing nine holes, they decide to go to the clubhouse and complain to the manager.
"I'm sorry," said the manager. "I really can't do anything about that. You see, those four men were part of the fire department that helped save this clubhouse from a raging fire two years ago. In the process, they were all blinded. So we decided to give them full membership."
"Oh my," said the priest. "I will be sure to ask my fellow priests to pray for those brave souls."
"And I feel just horrible," said the doctor. "Tell you what, I know an excellent optometrist who probably can do wonders for their eyes."
And the engineer said: "Why can't they play at night?"

Zing!
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Mnemia
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 04, 2002 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two atoms were walking down the street. One suddenly stops and says "Oh no, I think I just dropped one of my electrons." The other says "Are you sure?" And the first atom says "I'm positive! Now help me find it!"

Hehe, sooo bad... :wink:
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pjp
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2002 5:16 pm    Post subject: Here's an old one, but I like it: Reply with quote

A letter to GOD

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it
to President Clinton.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank
you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some reason
you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted
$95.00.

A visit to the Doctor

Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days
later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady
on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.' "

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be
careful."

Out for a Sunday drive

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

EDIT: Merged 3 posts. --pjp
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Last edited by pjp on Fri Aug 26, 2005 6:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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ZagiFlyer
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2002 6:19 pm    Post subject: Time's up Reply with quote

An old man visits his doctor and tells him, "doctor, you have to help me - I can't pee!"
The doctor asks, "how old are you sir?"
The man replies, "I'm 101 years old!"

The doctor says, "You've peed enough!"
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fghellar
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2002 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?", she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?", he asked.

"Oh, Bill, you didn't", she said.

"Yes, I did", he told her.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?", she asked.

"Oh... she got fired, too."
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timbo
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2002 3:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Call to Emergency Operator

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses, he does not seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps “my friend is dead what can I do” The operator says, “calm down, I can help, first lets make sure he’s dead” there is a silence… then a shot is heard… back on the phone the hunter says “ok now what”….

Regards
Tim
8)
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pjp
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2002 4:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

un-8).
Already been posted.
;)
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timbo
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2002 8:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

bugger... sorry... :oops:

ok ok how about

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat mate
:roll:

Regards
Tim
I'll leave the emotion till later.

She's a hard road to find the perfect woman (joke) boy.....
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pjp
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2002 3:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol:
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jonemi
Tux's lil' helper
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Joined: 16 Apr 2002
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Location: Utah, USA

PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2002 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How many Country/Western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four--one to change the lighbulb, three to sing about how much they miss the old one.

:-)

Country's the best!
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carambola5
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2002 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

jonemi wrote:
How many Country/Western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four--one to change the lighbulb, three to sing about how much they miss the old one.


Follow up: How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-None, let her make your sandwich in the dark.

How many blonds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-4. One to hold the lightbulb, and 3 to spin her around.

How many Pollacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-201. The first 200 get electrocuted trying. The last one makes it cause of all the dead skin insulating the exposed wire.

ahh, i kill me.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2002 2:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
pol·lack also pol·lock
n. pl. pollack or pol·lacks also pollock or pol·locks

A marine food fish (Pollachius virens) of northern Atlantic waters, related to the cod.

Damn... I don't care if it took 400 fish... thats still pretty impressive.
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pjp
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2002 7:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rectum Stretcher

This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure
enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the
bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two
fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly
stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a
bridge.."
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homerjay
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2002 3:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hope it's OK to post a link to my homepage here, but I have built up a bit of an archive of jokes and stuff recently.

http://www.c-wilkie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes.html
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sypher7
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2002 9:34 pm    Post subject: my favorite joke Reply with quote

a baby seal walked into a club.
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kraylus
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2002 7:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

a priest, a lawyer, and an engineer are about to be executed on the guillotine. the priest goes first and the rope is pulled but nothing happens. he claims to have been saved by divine intervention and is let go. the lawyer goes next and the rope is pulled, but nothing happens. she claims that she cannot be charged for the same crime twice and is let go. the engineer goes and he looks up as he puts his head in place and says "oh wait a minute, i see your problem..."



Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with a used car dealer?

A: autoexec.bat


EDIT: Merged 2 posts. --pjp
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spreerpg
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2002 12:10 am    Post subject: Math Major Reply with quote

Ok, so there's a math major, an english major, and a music major standing in front of a door to a room. They're there to help out with a psych department experiment. The professor running the experiment walks up and tells them "Allright, I want each of you, one by one, to go in to the room and boil the pot of water. Don't worry, it'll make sense once you get in there." So the math major goes in and sees a pot of water on a table and a stove. He picks up the pot of water walks over to the stove and puts the pot on it. He then turns the stove on, waits for the water to boil and then walks out. The english major and music major each take their turn and boil the water.
After they do this the professor goes into the room and rearranges a bit. He then comes out and asks the students to go in and again boil the water. The music major and english major go in and each boil the water. The math major then goes in and sees the pot of water on the floor. He then picks it up and places it on the table and walks out.

I think an explanation may be in order. The idea is that this demonstrates our habit, in math, to start to prove something, get to some point, and say we've done the rest before, we don't need to continue. I must even confess that I actually find this joke mildly funny.
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pizen
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2002 12:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It hurts the delivery of the joke to have an explaination immediately afterward. It would be better if the prof asked the math guy why he did that and the math guy told him about already having done the boiling part before.
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Curious
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2002 5:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is one of my favourite jokes on the Net.

KNOW YOUR UNIX SYSTEMS ADMINISTRATOR

-- Curious
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millenium_psyrax
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2002 2:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

You get your farm, your wife and your truck back.
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Curious
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2002 12:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love the rich, meaty taste of forums humour. Back when I was active on a few other boards that had active 'flame' areas, I cooked up many a humorous image to demean my opponents!

I just got forwarded these two examples:

One at attrition.org

And a slightly less rich seam at the Nachtsoldats RTCW forum.

-- Curious
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 7:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

E-mail confusion

From the United States comes the following story
which reinforces the need to get E-mail addresses
correct:
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks, during
the winter, a Seattle man departed for Miami Beach,
where he was to meet his wife the next day, at the
conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to some warm, pleasant
weather and enjoying a break from the children.

Unfortunately, there was a mix-up at the Departure
Gate and the man was informed he would have to
travel on a later flight. He tried to have the
decision reversed but was told he had no alternative
but to travel on the later flight.

On arrival, he found Miami Beach was having a heat
wave and the weather was as uncomfortably hot, as
Seattle's was cold.

The receptionist gave him a message that his wife
would arrive later in the day. He could hardly wait
to get to the pool. So he hurriedly sent his wife
an E-mail message, but because of his haste, made
an error in the address.

As a result, his message arrived at the home of an
elderly widow, whose preacher hsuband had been
buried the day before. The grieving widow opened
her E-mail, took one look at the monitor, let out an
anguished scream and promptly had a heart attack.

When her family found her, the following message
was still on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Departed yesterday, as you know.
Just now checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival.
Your loving husband.
P.S: Things are not as we though. You will
be surprised how hot it is down here.
___________________________________________________

Time to put a Cork in it

A CORK radio station was running a competition - words
that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used
in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize
was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me names' Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the
dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What senetence
can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan f**ck yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all
unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the
dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence
can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

Questions & Answers:

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.
___________________________________________________

Q: What' the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
___________________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
___________________________________________________

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
___________________________________________________

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
___________________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
___________________________________________________

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars, they have no
intention of driving.
___________________________________________________

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
___________________________________________________

Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in the third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
___________________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
___________________________________________________

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
___________________________________________________

Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
___________________________________________________

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
the other?
A: A speech impediment.
___________________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern
zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has description of the animal on the front of
the cage along with a recipe.
___________________________________________________

Q: What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A: Row, row, row your boat.
___________________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a
Southern fairy tale?
A: A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A
Southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

EDIT: Merged 2 posts
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Last edited by pjp on Fri Aug 26, 2005 6:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
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phong
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 03, 2002 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers for lunch?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
A: Because he was hungry.
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