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Urban Cowboy
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 1:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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star882
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 2:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

NotQuiteSane wrote:
Three engineers, mechanical, electrical, and civil, were sitting in a bar arguing about God.

The mechanical engineer says "It's obvious God is a mechanical engineer. Look at the human body. Look at all the joints, tendons, and muscle systems. Only an ME could figure all that out so that we walk upright."

The electrical engineer takes a drink and rolls his eyes. "You're wrong. God is an electrical engineer. Look at the human body! You've got neurons firing, nerve cells, signal transfers, only an EE could have
even come up with that."

The civil engineer finishes off his beet and laughs. "You're both wrong. God's obviously a civil engineer. Look at the human body! Who else but a CE would run a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"

Because even recreation areas need to dispose of waste?
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 4:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, " Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March, ONE for April...."
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 9:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dralnu wrote:
Windows ME.


Seriously... this is the only one i lol'd.
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cokey
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 4:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q. How do you get a faggot to shag a woman?

A. Shit in her cunt
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
Q. How do you get a faggot to shag a woman?

A. Shit in her cunt
Seriously, that's probably the most offensive gay joke I've even heard/seen/read...
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energyman76b
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hopeless wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
Q. How do you get a faggot to shag a woman?

A. Shit in her cunt
Seriously, that's probably the most offensive gay joke I've even heard/seen/read...


my PC radar went off, the whole thread was blanked for five minutes AND my mom called to ask if everything is alright.

The joke is that bad.
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

energyman76b wrote:
Hopeless wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
Q. How do you get a faggot to shag a woman?

A. Shit in her cunt
Seriously, that's probably the most offensive gay joke I've even heard/seen/read...


my PC radar went off, the whole thread was blanked for five minutes AND my mom called to ask if everything is alright.

The joke is that bad.

i'm glad my english's bad
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

energyman76b wrote:
Hopeless wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
Q. How do you get a faggot to shag a woman?

A. Shit in her cunt
Seriously, that's probably the most offensive gay joke I've even heard/seen/read...


my PC radar went off, the whole thread was blanked for five minutes AND my mom called to ask if everything is alright.

The joke is that bad.
I thought the point of gay jokes was to offend?

I :D 'd because I find most politically incorrect jokes funny...
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha1f wrote:
I thought the point of gay jokes was to offend?

I :D 'd because I find most politically incorrect jokes funny...
++

energyman better never open a Truly Tasteless Jokes book, or he might be in for a shock. Not that any of them are actually funny, I just laugh because of how over-the-top they all are.
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energyman76b
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

chrismcdirty wrote:
Ha1f wrote:
I thought the point of gay jokes was to offend?

I :D 'd because I find most politically incorrect jokes funny...
++

energyman better never open a Truly Tasteless Jokes book, or he might be in for a shock. Not that any of them are actually funny, I just laugh because of how over-the-top they all are.


since I am a rotten.com forum regular, there is not much that can shock me. Still I do own a pc radar - and have mom calling and asking if I am reading that filthy gentoo otw forum again is disturbing.
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poly_poly-man
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

energyman76b wrote:

PC radar?

poly-p man
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Sadako
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

chrismcdirty wrote:
Ha1f wrote:
I thought the point of gay jokes was to offend?

I :D 'd because I find most politically incorrect jokes funny...
++

energyman better never open a Truly Tasteless Jokes book, or he might be in for a shock. Not that any of them are actually funny, I just laugh because of how over-the-top they all are.
The problem I have with this joke is that the actually point of the joke (particularly the punchline) is to offend a certain group, it's basically a verbal attack.

Although I'm quite certain cokey's intention was simply to shock and be as non-PC as possible, because, well, he's cokehabit...

I have no problem with politically incorrect humour (I adore South Park ffs!), but the point of this "joke" wasn't to amuse or to make you think, or anything other than to attack and belittle particular group.
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cokey
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

energyman76b wrote:
Hopeless wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
Q. How do you get a faggot to shag a woman?

A. Shit in her cunt
Seriously, that's probably the most offensive gay joke I've even heard/seen/read...


my PC radar went off, the whole thread was blanked for five minutes AND my mom called to ask if everything is alright.

The joke is that bad.
it is actually the most offensive joke I have ever heard, my mate who earns £20,000 a month told it to me. It is offensive to virtually everyone.

Fucking great isn't it! :lol:
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hopeless wrote:
The problem I have with this joke is that the actually point of the joke (particularly the punchline) is to offend a certain group, it's basically a verbal attack.

Although I'm quite certain cokey's intention was simply to shock and be as non-PC as possible, because, well, he's cokehabit...

I have no problem with politically incorrect humour (I adore South Park ffs!), but the point of this "joke" wasn't to amuse or to make you think, or anything other than to attack and belittle particular group.


Are you telling me you don't find black jokes funny? Because if you don't, you're a liar.
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
Q. How do you get a faggot to shag a woman?

A. Shit in her cunt

I think I have this video in my pr0n collection somewhere .... :roll:
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha1f wrote:
Are you telling me you don't find black jokes funny? Because if you don't, you're a liar.

On that note, I shall share a passage from TTJ:

Quote:
How do you know Adam and Ever weren't black?

Ever tried to take a rib from a black man?
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spupy
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Connect the corpse of Beethoven up to a generator. Generator provides electricity for CD-player. CD-Player plays Britney Spears songs over and over. Beethoven spins in his grave providing mechanical energy to the generator.
One unfortunate side-effect is that in the mean time his symphonies begin disappearing. When pressed for an answer, Professor Zahn explains "Well of course. He's decomposing."
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 11:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Long joke stolen from the b3ta site, but it made me chuckle.

~~~~

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wank hole please
you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the twating
window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'

'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit
box you get crap on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging
out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,


'I fucking wrote it !!!'
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Sadako
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 12:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

rtyall wrote:
Long joke stolen from the b3ta site, but it made me chuckle.
Funny, but it completely misunderstands tourettes...
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 1:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
it is actually the most offensive joke I have ever heard, my mate who earns £20,000 a month told it to me. It is offensive to virtually everyone.


What does your mate's income have to do with the rest of this conversation?
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 1:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hopeless wrote:
rtyall wrote:
Long joke stolen from the b3ta site, but it made me chuckle.
Funny, but it completely misunderstands tourettes...

My God. South Park had a more accurate depiction of Tourettes than that. Funny, though.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, it's not supposed to be accurate.
I do actually work with 2 people with tourettes. One of them's ginger as well, poor bloke.



(Just joking, i'm not actually gingerist)
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?



10.

One to hold the bulb,
and nine to drink until the room starts to spin.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 4:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ratmonkey wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
it is actually the most offensive joke I have ever heard, my mate who earns £20,000 a month told it to me. It is offensive to virtually everyone.


What does your mate's income have to do with the rest of this conversation?
you dont expect people who earn that much to know jokes like that, they have usually got their jobs by being more reserved
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