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Carlos
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2002 8:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How about really bad jokes? Here's one a friend of mine told me:

A poor couple had identical twins - sons, but had to put them up for adoption because they couldn't afford to raise them. One was adopted by a Spanish family and was named "Juan", the other was adopted by an Egpytian family and named, "Amal". Eighteen years later, the couple receive a letter from Juan about how he's doing, with a picture of him included. The wife says, "It's great that we get to see how Juan is all grown up, but I wish we could have a picture of Amal as well." The husband replies, "But honey, they're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
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rac
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2002 9:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Four directors of space programs of various nations were seated at the dinner table, boasting of the lofty and adventurous goals of their respective programs.

One started with "We are planning a manned mission to the moon!"

Another countered with "That's already been done. We're going to send humans to Mars!"

"Bah," said the third. "You people plan small. My great nation is going to send some of its finest citizens to Jupiter!"

All eyes turned towards the fourth participant, who paused for a moment and then said "We have the most ambitious project of all - we are sending a mission to the Sun itself!"

The other three laughed derisively. "Are you insane or just stupid?" asked one. "Don't you know that the Sun is so hot that it will burn your ship up along with everything on board?"

"Our excellent engineers have already considered and solved this problem. We will go at night."
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2002 12:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Warning - dirty one

A man walks down the beach on a beautiful evening. The sunset is beautiful too, everything is perfect. At one moment he walks past a woman who's lying on the beach. She has no arms and no legs. He greets her and intends to walk past her. But then she says "Hey" and he responds: "Yes?". She asks him "I'm afraid to ask, but could you do me a favour?" The man asks what it is she wants and she says "I've never been kissed, could you give me a big kiss?" The man kisses her very passionately, an everlasting french kiss. When they are done, she thanks him and he starts to walk away. But she stops him again, and asks if he could do her another favour. The man asks what it is she wants and she says: "I've never been fucked". He walks over to her, lifts her up, holds her into his arms, throws her into the ocean, and says: "Well you're fucked now honey!"


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klieber
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2002 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about
going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you
young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust
me: these are closely related to college.)

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand
hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These
include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and
crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
-osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these
things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them.
If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
in college for the rest of your life.

It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was
in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of
three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to
forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were
named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember
something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of
brain cells.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of
advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
and Right Answers.

This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for
example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class
one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of
the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*
the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of
chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to
come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these
subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to
get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a
book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example,
suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense
would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.
You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an
entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat
learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.

If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of
sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because
sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
their time translating simple, obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll
have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have
observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
of prematurated isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists
between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
get a large government grant.
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klieber
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2002 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As someone who used to work at Andersen Consulting (now Accenture) I particularly like that response:
Quote:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
-----------------------------------

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would
let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road
was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced
with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
required for the newly competitive market.

Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client,
helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes.

Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken
use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to
align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best
chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the
transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in
order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and
explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to
achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting
and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes.

The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an
impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused,
and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was
conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
solution.

Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more
successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The
chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him
down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thoushalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road,
and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking
around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom
we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross
roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it
transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2002 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

klieber wrote:
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college.
:lol:

More evidence toward proving College/Universities/degrees aren't that useful. Followup in College Education.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 2:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH -- I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH -- OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse.



I've been attending the USENIX NT and LISA NT (Large Installation
Systems Administration for NT) conference in downtown Seattle this
week.

One of those magical Microsoft moments(tm) happened yesterday and
I thought that I'd share. Non-geeks may not find this funny at
all, but those in geekdom (particularly UNIX geekdom) will
appreciate it.

Greg Sullivan, a Microsoft product manager (henceforth MPM), was
holding forth on a forthcoming product that will provide Unix
style scripting and shell services on NT for compatibility and to
leverage UNIX expertise that moves to the NT platform. The
product suite includes the MKS (Mortise Kern Systems) windowing
Korn shell, a windowing PERL, and lots of goodies like awk, sed
and grep. It actually fills a nice niche for which other products
(like the MKS suite) have either been too highly priced or not
well enough integrated.

An older man, probably mid-50s, stands up in the back of the room
and asserts that Microsoft could have done better with their
choice of Korn shell. He asks if they had considered others that
are more compatible with existing UNIX versions of KSH.

The MPM said that the MKS shell was pretty compatible and should
be able to run all UNIX scripts.

The questioner again asserted that the MKS shell was not very
compatible and didn't do a lot of things right that are defined in
the KSH language spec.

The MPM asserted again that the shell was pretty compatible and
should work quite well.

This assertion and counter assertion went back and forth for a
bit, when another fellow member of the audience announced to the
MPM that the questioner was, in fact David Korn of AT&T (now
Lucent) Bell Labs. (David Korn is the author of the Korn shell)

Uproarious laughter burst forth from the audience, and it was one
of the only times that I have seen a (by then pink cheeked) MPM
lost for words or momentarily lacking the usual unflappable
confidence. So, what's a body to do when Microsoft reality
collides with everyone elses?

EDIT: Merged 2 posts. --pjp
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Curious
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

fghellar wrote:
This assertion and counter assertion went back and forth for a
bit, when another fellow member of the audience announced to the
MPM that the questioner was, in fact David Korn of AT&T (now
Lucent) Bell Labs. (David Korn is the author of the Korn shell)


Thats the second funniest thing I've read all week. :-P

The funniest was: http://gammatron.novarese.net/txt/history.html

This was linked in the 'Happy Birthday Slashdot' story yesterday.

-- Curious
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 3:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

fghellar wrote:
This is based on an actual radio conversation
I'm almost positive I've heard a similar story told. Do you know when the information was released to the public?
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 4:04 am    Post subject: From December's Playboy Reply with quote

A rabbit was happily hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint. Said Rabbit, "Hey, Giraffe. Don't do drugs. Come, run through the forest with me!" The Giraffe looked at Rabbit, looked at the joint, and looked back at Rabbit. He promptly threw the joint on the ground, and they started happily running around forest together.

As the two were happily running through the forest, they came upon an elephant sniffing cocaine. "Hey, Elephant," Rabbit said. "Don't do drugs. Come, run through the forest with us!" Elephant looked at Rabbit and Giraffe, and looked at his razor and mirror. He immediately threw them on the ground, and they all went off through the forest together.

They then came across a lion, who was about to shoot up. Said Rabbit, "Hey, Lion. Don't do drugs. Come, run through the forest with us!" Lion looked at his needle and then looked at Rabbit. Lion threw down the needle and started beating the living crap out of Rabbit. Seriously, it was ugly. Armpits were hanging from tree limbs.

Giraffe and Elephant see this and try to intervene, saying, "Lion! Stop it! He was only trying to help you drop your habit. Knock it off!"

"This little fucker?" said Lion in reply. "This bitch-ass bastard makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
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Curious
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 4:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kanuslupus wrote:
I'm almost positive I've heard a similar story told. Do you know when the information was released to the public?


*cough cough*

-- Curious
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 4:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Curious wrote:
kanuslupus wrote:
I'm almost positive I've heard a similar story told. Do you know when the information was released to the public?


*cough cough*

-- Curious

You're quite a wealth of links.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 6:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

delta407 wrote:
You're quite a wealth of links.
Hehe, yes he is. I knew I'd heard it before.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 6:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kanuslupus wrote:
delta407 wrote:
You're quite a wealth of links.
Hehe, yes he is. I knew I'd heard it before.


:oops:

I studied Searchlore under Fravia. :wink:
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Carlos
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 10:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, where can I find this Searchlore info? Where should I look for Fravia? :roll:
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 10:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Carlos wrote:
Hey, where can I find this Searchlore info? Where should I look for Fravia?


You are not ready.

The Fravia comment was meant only semi-seriously - while Papa Frav does has his own... um, interesting ideas about searching the web, what I learnt most from him was reverse engineering. His scrolls of searching and the 'flange of myth' are the real deal though. Fravia is brilliant - if a little twisted. :-)

-- Curious
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 12:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maybe I didn't use the right emoticon... :?

I guess we're getting rather OT though.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 12:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Curious wrote:
kanuslupus wrote:
I'm almost positive I've heard a similar story told. Do you know when the information was released to the public?


*cough cough*

And there's also the official US Navy page discounting the myth.

--kurt
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 12:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas
station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens
addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader."

The gas pumps, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting. Again,
there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be
the gas
pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,
"Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way!
Take us to
your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you
don't want to make him mad!"

But before he finished his warning, the first
alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200
yards into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally
regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said,
"What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was
so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned
during my travels through the galaxy - when a guy has a penis he can
wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't
mess with him!"
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 1:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

klieber wrote:
And there's also the official US Navy page discounting the myth.

That's no fun. There goes the Navy, ruining my fun again! :)
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In case you didn't know, the following is the world's funniest joke.
Quote:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

"The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"


I think it's funny, personally, but I wouldn't call it the "funniest" by a long shot...

--kurt
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 8:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The world's funniest joke among pre-schoolers maybe.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 10:08 pm    Post subject: No Ducks! Reply with quote

This guy is walking down the street with a duck walking beside him. A cop pulls over and asks heim where he got the duck. The guy responds, "I won it at a fair." The cop points out that the guy cannot own a duck in city limits, the rules prohibit any kind of livestock or anything of that nature. The cop tells the guy, "you'll have to take that duck to the zoo."

A few days later, the same guy is walking down the same street with the same duck. The same cop pulls over and starts giving the guy a bad time, "I thought I told you to take that duck to the zoo!!"

The guy responds, "I DID take him to the zoo. We had so much fun, now he wants me to take him to Disneyland!".
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2002 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man takes a giraffe into a bar. They start drinking heavily. Man and beast go at it for several hours until finally the woozy giraffe collapses on the table. The man notices, hics slightly, and gets up to leave.

As he makes for the door, the barkeeper gestures at the enormous beast draped across his patrons: "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' here!"

To which the patron replies, "Ehh... it's nuht a lion, ihts a giraffe."

-- Curious
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 04, 2002 9:22 am    Post subject: how fitting Reply with quote

Not really a joke, but more of a way of life... (notice the time posted...very pertinent to my current situation. If you don't feel like converting to Central time, that's 4:22am :D )

Quote:
Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels really good until you realize you've just fucked yourself.

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