Jokes

pjp · Administrator Joined: 16 Apr 2002 Posts: 18157

Conversation

A bus stops and two Jamaican men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady, "said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi.
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cpwins · Posted: Tue Sep 03, 2002 2:50 pm Post subject:

Nice.

maystorm · Posted: Tue Sep 03, 2002 8:12 pm Post subject:

[img:1a1cab556f]http://www.inform.umd.edu/outlook/2000-06-20/ouch.gif[/img:1a1cab556f]
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pjp · Administrator Joined: 16 Apr 2002 Posts: 18157

Wabiths

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"
And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and
asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink
my pyfon gives a fuck!"

Fixing the outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!
Pa replies, There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse.
Ma yells back, Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!
Ma replies, Stick yur head in the hole!
Pa yells back, I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
Ma says, Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!
Ma hollers back, Now take your head out of the hole!
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!
To which Ma replies, Hurt's, don't it?
EDIT: Merged 2 posts.
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phong · Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 6:17 pm Post subject:

Beekeepers

Two beekeepers are having a conversation at a beekeeping convention. Beekeeper #1 is carrying a large suitcase and beekeeper #2 has a small A4 briefcase.

beekeeper #1: "I've got 10,000 bees with me here in this suitcase."
beekeeper #2: "Yeah, I've brought along 40,000 here with me."
beekeeper #1: "Aren't they awfully cramped in that little briefcase?"
beekeeper #2: "Fuck 'em."
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gsfgf · Veteran Joined: 08 May 2002 Posts: 1266

Evil Jokes

what's the worst thing to give a blind deaf kid for xmas?
cancer

How do you et 30 dead babies in a bag?
blender

How do you get them out?
tostidos

Why did the racoon fall out of the tree?
It was dead

Why did the baby fall out of th tree?
It was stapled to the racoon

What's blue and sits on the bottom of the pool?
baby w/ slashed floaties

Whats red an yellow and floats on the pool?
floaties with slashed babies

What is better than fucking an 8 yr old girl?
flipping her over and pretending she's an 8 yr old boy

What's better than fucking an 8 yr old boy?
fucking a 5 yr old

What's better than that?
nothing

What's better than fucking 2 18 yr old girls?
fucking 18 2 yr olds

What do you do if you;re fucking a 5 yr old and her pelvis pops?
Stop b/c if that doesn't get you off nothing will

What do you call a parapalegic in a pool?
Bob

What do you call a parapalegic on a wall?
Art

What do you call a parapalegic in front of a door?
Matt

How do you piss Helen Keller off?
geve her a golf ball

How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
someone left the plunger in the toilet

How did her parents punish her?
rearrange the furniture

How did she lose her arm?
tried to read the speed limit on the interstate

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
you would too if your name was muahmhuhmauh

Why couldn't Helen Heller drive?
she was a woman

phong · Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 7:41 pm Post subject:

Man, this thread's title should be changed to "Super-extra-gut-wrenching tasteless jokes." Not that there's anything wrong with tasteless jokes or anything... Ok, maybe a couple of those were pretty wrong.

_________________
"An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head."
-- Eric Hoffer

meyerm · Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 9:04 pm Post subject:

The woman whispers to her husband: "Say something dirty to me!"
He: "Kitchen."

:roll:

... A German couple have a baby and name him Claus. As time goes by Claus grows up and yet never utters a word. After years of trying to find out what is wrong with him, his parents just accept that he's mute.
On Claus's 14th birthday he is given a slice of his favourite cake. Suddenly, Claus turns to his Mother and says "Mother zis cake is dry".
Overcome with emotion at his new verbal state his mother rushes to him and cries,
"Claus, you can speak. Why have you never spoken before?"
"Well", Claus replies, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory"

Customer: I use Windows?
Hotline: Yea..
Customer: My computer does not work..
Hotline: You said that already.

Merged 3 posts. --pjp

jonemi · Posted: Tue Sep 17, 2002 1:14 am Post subject:

Only the last joke was funny, and gsfgf, you're a sicko who needs to be institutionalized.

dizzy · Posted: Wed Sep 18, 2002 7:38 am Post subject:

Jokes about sex with minors are ok with the moderators? I'm new to this forum so I don't know the ins and outs are, but man.. this is just so low.

meyerm · Posted: Wed Sep 18, 2002 10:28 am Post subject:

klieber · Posted: Wed Sep 18, 2002 12:12 pm Post subject:

dasalvagg · Apprentice Joined: 26 Jun 2002 Posts: 183 Location: NY

puddpunk · l33t Joined: 20 Jul 2002 Posts: 681 Location: New Zealand

You know that there are 7 million battered women in the world today???

Funny... all this time i've been eating them raw...

carambola5 · Posted: Fri Sep 20, 2002 5:42 am Post subject:

At the risk of seeming... distasteful, here goes:

How many women does it take to screw in a kitchen light bulb?
None. Let her make your sandwich in the dark.

Why don't women ski?
Do you see any snow between the kitchen and the bedroom?

Hmm, got some blonde jokes i'm itching to let loose:

What do you call 2 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.

How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
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pjp · Administrator Joined: 16 Apr 2002 Posts: 18157

Does anyone have some jokes that aren't decades old?

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puddpunk · l33t Joined: 20 Jul 2002 Posts: 681 Location: New Zealand

Q:What do you do if your wife comes out of the kitchen and nags you?
A:Shorten the Chain

Q:What does a woman do after coming out of a Battered Wives shelter?
A:The dishes if she knows whats good for her.

Q:Why don't women need to have a Drivers Licence?
A:There's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom!

Q: What did the fireman say when he lost his firetruck?
A: Where's my firetruck!?!?

Q: Whats white and can't climb tree's?
A: A fridge.

Q: Whats read and falls out of trees?
A: A monkey's miscarrage.

Q: Whats brown and green and dosen't live in trees?
A: A pool table.

What was the motto for the abortion clinic?
You rape 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.

What's the difference between a Scottish farmer and an angel?
The angel says "Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!"
The farmer says "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q: How many times does 59 go into 21?
A: I dunno ask Woody Allen

Q: What is the difference between 100 used condoms and a good year tyre?
A: One is a good year, and one is a REALLY good year.

Q: How do you get a clown off of a swing?
A: Hit him with an axe.

Q: What's 20 feet long and smells like piss?
A: Line dancing at the retirement home.

Q: How do you get a woman to scream twice?
A: Fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on the curtains.

One day God came down to Adam and says, "Adam, I've got good news and bad news, what do you want to hear first?"
"The good news."
"Ok the good news is that I've got two new organs,both of which will make Eve very happy. One is a penis, and one is a brain."
"Ok, what's the bad news?"
"You only have enough blood to run one at a time!"

Q: What does a dog do that a boy steps into?
A: A lump of shit. No wait.. PANTS.

Q: What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye kicked the fuck out of him.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Q:What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?
A:It only takes one nail to hang an oil painting.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A: The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub?
A: Stew.

Q: Where does Princess Diana do her shopping?
A: Nowhere, she's dead.

Q: What do you call all the useless skin around the vagina?
A: The woman.

Q: What does a redneck say after sex?
A: Thanks Mom.

Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bowling balls?
A: You can't use a pitchfork to unload the bowling balls.

Q: What's the worst part about fucking a 5 year old?
A: Getting the blood off of your clown costume....

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.

Q: Whats the difference between George Michael and a microwave?
A: A microwave stops when you open the door.

Q: Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana from the clutches of death?
A: Because he's in a wheelchair.

Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your vagina?" "Fuck off, no your can't smell my vagina!!! "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
A : Half a dog

Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies, "No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck."

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy

Q: What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
A: The diaper.

Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
A: Crib death.

Pedro goes into jail for the first time and gets thrown in a mean lookin dude named Bubba . Bubba says to Pedro "what do you want to be the mommy or the daddy" Pedro figuring he doesnt have much choice naturally says " The daddy" To which Bubba replies "well come over here and suck mommy's dick".

Q: What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ?
A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face !

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.

Q: What do homosexauls and the Battle of Pearl Harbor have in common?
A: Cockpits full of bloody seamen

A man calls into work sick. This is the conversation. Man: "Boss, I can't come into today. I'm really sick. I've been in bed all day." Boss: "WHAT! Are you crazy? This is the day we are meeting with our most important account!!" Man: "Sorry boss, I'm REALLY sick." Boss: "Just HOW sick can one man be?" Man: "Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter."

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.

Q: What is a redneck virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

klieber · Posted: Fri Sep 20, 2002 12:07 pm Post subject:

A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."

The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"

"No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"

"That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
of the store with the woman following him in a daze. The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."

"I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a terrific weekend."

--kurt
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vers_iq · Apprentice Joined: 18 May 2002 Posts: 264

hear me out

Crash1976M · n00b Joined: 30 Aug 2002 Posts: 65

*ggg*
i never enjoyed a joke thread more than this one - go on - it's a cool thread

JChrist · n00b Joined: 23 Jun 2002 Posts: 5

Good pick up line:

I'd like to be a derivative so I could be tangent to every one of your curves.

pjp · Administrator Joined: 16 Apr 2002 Posts: 18157

About the only thing that would pick up is a graphing calculator.

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jonemi · Posted: Mon Sep 23, 2002 6:00 am Post subject: pickup

Since I'm certified by the American Red Cross for CPR I have the pickup line:

"Hey, baby, I'm certified in mouth-to-mouth.

Hehe

Crash1976M · n00b Joined: 30 Aug 2002 Posts: 65

reves · Posted: Tue Sep 24, 2002 6:51 am Post subject:

Once upon a time there were two chinese people....now look how many there are.
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