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Muso
l33t
Joined: 22 Oct 2002
Posts: 686
Location: The Holy city of Honolulu
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 Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 1:37 pm Post subject: An Open Letter to Kanye West |
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An Open Letter to Kanye West from the Association of French Bakers
| Quote: | Regarding Croissants in “I am a God”
Association of French Bakers
900 Rue Vielle du Temple
Paris FRANCE
To Monsieur Kanye West:
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, Nord! This is a truly auspicious time for you — and so it is with great sadness that we must lodge a formal complaint against the song “I am a God” from your new album Yeezus.
Our organization represents bakers across France, many of whom have taken great offense at this particular rhyming couplet:
In a French-ass restaurant
Hurry up with my damn croissants
Assuming you, as a man of means, dine exclusively at high-end restaurants and boulangeries during your voyages to Paris, it could not be possible that the delay of your “damn” croissants originated from slow service. And certainly, you are not a man to be satisfied with pre-made croissants from the baked goods case reheated and tossed out on a small platter. No — you had demanded your croissants freshly baked, to be delivered to your table straight out of the oven piping hot.
And it was with great joy you ordered croissants — not crêpes or brioches — because only croissants can proudly claim that exquisite combination of flaky crust and a succulent center. The croissant is dignified — not vulgar like a piece of toast, simply popped into a mechanical device to be browned. No — the croissant is born of tender care and craftsmanship. Bakers must carefully layer the dough, paint on perfect proportions of butter, and then roll and fold this trembling croissant embryo with the precision of a Japanese origami master.
This process, as you can understand, takes much time. And we implore the patience of all those who order croissants. You may be familiar with the famous French expression, “A great croissant is worth waiting a lifetime for.” We know you are a busy man, M. West, but we believe that your patience for croissants will always be rewarded.
We could easily let this water pass under the bridge, as they say, but we take your lyrics very seriously. From the other lines in the song, we have come to understand that you may in fact be a “God.” Yet if this were the case — and we, of course, take you at your word — we wonder why you do not more frequently employ your omnipotence to change time and space to better suit your own personal whims. For us mere mortals, we must wait the time required for the croissant to come to perfect fruition, but as a deity, you can surely alter the bread’s molecular structure faster than the speed of light, no? And with your omniscience, perhaps you have something to teach us about the perfect croissant. We await your guidance and insights.
We appreciate your continued patronage of French culture. (Your frequent references to menage perhaps speak an interest in the structure of the French household?) We hope from the deepest recesses of our hearts, however, that in the future you give croissants the time they need to fully mature before you partake. With that, we say, adieu. And our member Louis Malpass from Le Havre wants you to know that he loves “Black Skinhead.”
Salutations cordiales
Bernard Aydelotte
Association of French Bakers |
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cokey
Advocate
Joined: 23 Apr 2004
Posts: 3343
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| Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 2:53 pm Post subject: |
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mmmm croissants
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"Sex: breakfast of champions" - James Hunt |
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o'bogamol
Tux's lil' helper
Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 90
Location: Detroit, Michigan - The Home of Rock and Roll
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| Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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Evidence of determinism arose when I found myself compelled to engage in orating this powerful narrative in my impeccable 'accent du francais', much to the delight of my 6 year old and 4 month old, and also to the chagrin of my wife. Nothing could stop me; I did not have the free will to stop myself.
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"History began on July 4,1776. Everything before that was a mistake." -Ron Swanson |
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cokey
Advocate
Joined: 23 Apr 2004
Posts: 3343
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| Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 2:58 pm Post subject: |
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| bogamol wrote: | | Evidence of determinism arose when I found myself compelled to engage in orating this powerful narrative in my impeccable 'accent du francais', much to the delight of my 6 year old and 4 month old, and also to the chagrin of my wife. |
you did tell them that France wasn't part of Utah, didn't you? 
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"Sex: breakfast of champions" - James Hunt |
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sikpuppy
n00b
Joined: 12 Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Location: Central Coast, NSW
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| Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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Who buys this tits records?
Also, a rift in the forum continuum has formed two identical threads. Are you trying to prove superposition is a myth Muso? |
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BonezTheGoon
Bodhisattva
Joined: 14 Jun 2002
Posts: 1375
Location: Albuquerque, NM -- birthplace of Microsoft and Gentoo
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| Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 4:28 pm Post subject: |
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[Obsolete statement]Uhh, looks like this got double-posted somehow.[/Obsolete statement]
pjp fixed it. Nothing to see in this post, move along.
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| pjp wrote: | | The greater evil is voting for the "lesser evil." |
Last edited by BonezTheGoon on Tue Aug 27, 2013 5:02 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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energyman76b
Advocate
Joined: 26 Mar 2003
Posts: 2045
Location: Germany
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| Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 4:32 pm Post subject: |
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I am torn.
The situation, it rips my heart out.
I can not decide.
What is worse, living next door to the french or sharing a country with Kanye 'Gay Fish' West?
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Bones McCracker
Veteran
Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Posts: 1605
Location: U.S.A.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 5:05 pm Post subject: |
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| bogamol wrote: | | Evidence of determinism arose when I found myself compelled to engage in orating this powerful narrative in my impeccable 'accent du francais', much to the delight of my 6 year old and 4 month old, and also to the chagrin of my wife. Nothing could stop me; I did not have the free will to stop myself. |
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Bones McCracker
Veteran
Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Posts: 1605
Location: U.S.A.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, noes. The transporter has malfunctioned and I have arrived in the OTW of "Good BoneKracker"!
Last edited by Bones McCracker on Mon Aug 26, 2013 5:16 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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sikpuppy
n00b
Joined: 12 Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Location: Central Coast, NSW
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| Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!
Not available in Australia.  |
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Bones McCracker
Veteran
Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Posts: 1605
Location: U.S.A.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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Refer to Star Trek TOS episode "Mirror Mirror" (or similarly, episode "The Enemy Within").
The whole episode (probably also not available):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfH-0VxMMsA
That letter is hilarious. |
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pjp
Administrator
Joined: 16 Apr 2002
Posts: 17112
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| Posted: Tue Aug 27, 2013 1:09 am Post subject: Re: An Open Letter to Kanye West |
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Merged the two threads & took the liberty to delete the redundant post.
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I can saw a woman in two, but you won't want to look in the box when I'm through.
For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer. |
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