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energyman76b
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 06, 2010 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
Why men should not write advice columns.


Don't hotlink large images!

Please use Imageshack's
clickable thumbnail feature!
Using thumbnails will save
bandwidth and will allow
ImageShack.us to continue
providing free image hosting.


So how about... uploading the picture on a site that does not suck?
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cokey
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 06, 2010 6:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

arnvidr wrote:
How do you say meringue in a Scottish accent?
a mer rang, in a scottish accent sound like "or am i wrong" wrong/rang
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I_ourselves
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 06, 2010 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://www.pixup.ir/images/7dgfpoxe3lhcsdl540sh.jpg
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cokey
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 15, 2010 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the windshield!"

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jessekaye
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 12:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Last Day on the Job --

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Clad in Sky
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Famous geeks are playing hide and seek in heaven. It’s Einsteins turn to seek, so he closes his eyes and counts till ten.
When he opens them everyone's run away and hidden, Newton however is still standing there like he was before, but with a chalk square drawn around him on the ground.
Einstein says - "Newton I got you, why didn't you hide?"
Newton replies - "No you haven't, I am Newton over a meter squared, so you actually got Pascal!"
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Frustie
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 8:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Clad in Sky wrote:
Famous geeks are playing hide and seek in heaven. It’s Einsteins turn to seek, so he closes his eyes and counts till ten.
When he opens them everyone's run away and hidden, Newton however is still standing there like he was before, but with a chalk square drawn around him on the ground.
Einstein says - "Newton I got you, why didn't you hide?"
Newton replies - "No you haven't, I am Newton over a meter squared, so you actually got Pascal!"


ok, stunned as i was, had to actually look this up :)
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mdeininger
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Clad in Sky wrote:
Famous geeks are playing hide and seek in heaven. It’s Einsteins turn to seek, so he closes his eyes and counts till ten.
When he opens them everyone's run away and hidden, Newton however is still standing there like he was before, but with a chalk square drawn around him on the ground.
Einstein says - "Newton I got you, why didn't you hide?"
Newton replies - "No you haven't, I am Newton over a meter squared, so you actually got Pascal!"
oh fuck, that joke is so awesome, bwahahaha :D
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Akkara
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Loopy

I was coding something in Python, but it was too slow and I needed to do some lower-level stuff, so I went to use C.

I was programming in C, but the language still wouldn't let me express what I needed, so I dropped down to assembler.

I was programming assembler but none of the opcodes supported what I wanted to do, so I tried to load some new microcode.

I was writing microcode but discovered the architecture didn't have pipeline stages where I needed them, so I took up VLSI design.

I was designing logic circuits but the underlying building blocks didn't have the risetime and propagation delays I needed so I took up analog circuit design.

I was designing buffer circuits but the transistors didn't have the characteristics I wanted, so I studied semiconductor physics.

I was applying some custom dopant profiles to my semiconductors but the transfer characteristics wasn't what I expected them to be, so I took up quantum mechanics.

I was studying quantum mechanics, but I couldn't visualize all those equations so I started writing a simulator in Python...
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Clad in Sky
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 4:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, “I’m Thor!”
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him,
“That’th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly
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notageek
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 31, 2010 2:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why can't a man ever please a woman?
Because no man has a dick made of chocolate that ejaculates money.
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Old School
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PostPosted: Sun May 09, 2010 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
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NotQuiteSane
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PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 3:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man came down to breakfast to find on his plate, 1 sausage, 1 egg, 1 rasher of bacon and a sock.
He said to his wife.
“Why is there a sock on my plate?
“She replied.
“You came home drunk last night got into bed, laid on your back and said,
‘Can you cook my sock?”
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 5:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A priest decides to take a walk to
the pier near his church. He looks
around and finally stops to watch a
fisherman load his boat. The
fisherman notices, and asks the
priest if he would like to join him
for a couple of hours.
The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has
ever fished before, to which the
priest says no. He baits the hook for
him and says, "Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest
hooks a big fish and struggles to get
it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, what a
big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind
your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY)
"I'm sorry father, but that's what
this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't
know."
After the trip, the priest brings the
fish to the church and spots the
bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big
sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please, mind your
language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand -
that's what this fish is called, and I
caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could
clean this sonofabitch and we could
have it for dinner." So the Bishop
takes the fish and cleans it, and
brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this
sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what
language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the
fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father
caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like
you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook
that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner
with the three of them, and they all
think the fish is great. He asks
where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the
sonofabitch!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the
sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a
minute with a steely gaze, but then
takes off his hat, puts his feet up on
the table, and says, "You know, you
fuckers are alright."
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Kenji Miyamoto
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 12:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NotQuiteSane wrote:
...
Good joke, but what's with the formatting?
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NotQuiteSane
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 10:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kenji Miyamoto wrote:
NotQuiteSane wrote:
...
Good joke, but what's with the formatting?


Copy / pasted using android phone

NQS
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 08, 2010 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay .. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

















"He should've quit while he was ahead."
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 5:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells "Paw, I found her! I found the girl I'm gonna marry, and she's a virgin!"

Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours!"
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a freaking wall."
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The human thought: I cannot win.
The ratbrain in me : I can only go forward and that's it.
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NotQuiteSane
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

via

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 5:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Obama Administration believes in a system of checks and balances -- Obama writes the checks, and your grandchildren pay the balances.

Did you know that for security reasons Obama has an identical body double?
Yeah - they are so identical, the only way you can tell the difference is that the real Obama's head doesn't cast a shadow.

Astronomers have spotted a potentially dangerous Near-Earth Object (NEO), but it has been just sitting there for a year and a half doing nothing, so they designated it Asteroid Obama.

If Barack Obama had been the Commander in Chief of the Sioux and the Cheyenne, George Armstrong Custer would have died of old age.

Q. What comes after "Trillion"?
A. I'd whisper it to you, but I don't want to risk Obama finding out.

Q. What would you get if you crossed Albert Einstein with Barack Obama?
A. E = MC Hammer

Q. Why does President Obama feel it is necessary for him to constantly apologize to the world and denigrate the United States?
A. Jimmy Carter has laryngitis.

Q. Why did Obama cross the road?
A. Actually, Obama promised to cross the road, but then he didn't.
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The human thought: I cannot win.
The ratbrain in me : I can only go forward and that's it.
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
The whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
Killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
Ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
Pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
Enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
Crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
Were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
Alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
Sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
No... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
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The human thought: I cannot win.
The ratbrain in me : I can only go forward and that's it.
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 30, 2010 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a Saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a Saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.

As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.

Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.

She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California .

The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Obama and Senators Harry Reid and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a Saint."
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

UCLA STUDY

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 11:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Split from "Jokes"

Linked to the original topic. -- desultory
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