Jokess

lamaistres · Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:50 pm Post subject:

A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replied, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military service?'
'Yes,' he replied. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment.'
Then he asked,'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy said, 'Yes....an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my
testicles.'

The interviewer grimaced and then said,'O.K. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M.
every day.'

The guy was puzzled and asks, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'

'This is a government job,' the interviewer said. 'For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in you coming in for that.'
_________________
"Always do what you want, and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter, and those
who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Suess

cokehabit · Advocate Joined: 23 Apr 2004 Posts: 3302

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. So the midget went to the doctor and told him about this problem, "Doc, mah, nuts ache all the galdurn tahm."

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors... Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he strode about and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How's that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. Wha'd you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

cokehabit · Advocate Joined: 23 Apr 2004 Posts: 3302

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

cokehabit · Advocate Joined: 23 Apr 2004 Posts: 3302

Clad in Sky · l33t Joined: 04 May 2007 Posts: 657 Location: Germany

Another testicle joke.

A man (well, obviously) goes to the doctor complaining about severe headaches he's been having the past months. An EEG and other examination methods of the head do not reveal anything. After some further probing the doc comes up with the solution.
"You might not like this, but it's your testicles. They're pressing up from below, causing these headaches. There's nothing I can do except cutting them off."
The man considers this for a while, but since these headaches are really bad and make his life miserable he decides to get it done.
Feeling a bit less of a man after the operation he decides to get all new clothes in order to "celebrate" the beginning of a new life. Pain free, as it were, but not really a man anymore.
So he goes to the next tailor. The tailor takes a look and says:
"Don't tell me, that'll be a size 50 (the sizes are German. Dunno what shirt sizes are in the US, UK, India etc.) shirt, size 50 trousers and jacket, am I right?"
"Yes," replies the untesticled one, "amazing how you got that right without measuring it."
"Well, it's my job. Should I add size 43 socks and size 6 underwear"
"Size 5 underpants, please, I've never worn anything else?"
"Are you joking, size 5 is too small for you. It'd press your testicles against your body and cause a hell of a headache!"
_________________
Kali Ma
Now it's autumn of the aeons
Dance with your sword
Now it's time for the harvest

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

Clad in Sky · l33t Joined: 04 May 2007 Posts: 657 Location: Germany

RTFM or rather RTFD I'd say.
_________________
Kali Ma
Now it's autumn of the aeons
Dance with your sword
Now it's time for the harvest

Old School · Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:26 pm Post subject:

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the
sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to
the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She
is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a
dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I
work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to
trust a FEMA genie...'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right..

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says.... 'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned
into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
_________________
I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

_________________
Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old. With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'.

When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes … and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition – or one will end up with a dangling participle!
_________________
Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

Clad in Sky · l33t Joined: 04 May 2007 Posts: 657 Location: Germany

I like the dangling participle best.
_________________
Kali Ma
Now it's autumn of the aeons
Dance with your sword
Now it's time for the harvest

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

NotQuiteSane

Beware!! Costco Scam! Please be careful.

I don't how many of you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday, and most likely again tomorrow.

NQS
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These opinions are mine, mine I say! Piss off and get your own.

As I see it -- An irregular blog, Improved with new location

To delete French language packs from system use 'sudo rm -fr /'

Kate Monster · Posted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 10:52 am Post subject:

Awesome. Awesome to the max.

Raniz · l33t Joined: 13 Sep 2003 Posts: 965 Location: Lund, Sweden

edit: already posted in this very thread...
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#312470 @ http://counter.li.org/

NotQuiteSane · Posted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 11:57 am Post subject:

Raniz · l33t Joined: 13 Sep 2003 Posts: 965 Location: Lund, Sweden

Searching for "nate lever" doesn't yield any results at all.
_________________
#312470 @ http://counter.li.org/

NotQuiteSane · Posted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 12:47 pm Post subject:

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

Cure For Constipation:

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

cokehabit · Advocate Joined: 23 Apr 2004 Posts: 3302

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened
to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

Clad in Sky · l33t Joined: 04 May 2007 Posts: 657 Location: Germany

Funny!

Reminds me of the old classic - the dead parrot sketch by Monty Python.
_________________
Kali Ma
Now it's autumn of the aeons
Dance with your sword
Now it's time for the harvest

jsf_x35a · Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 2:45 pm Post subject:

Yo dawg, I herd u lik iterations. So I put a for loop in ur for loop so can iterate while you iterate.
_________________
"Fish have no will to live (will jump into bears' mouths?)"
poly_poly-man