Jokess

Muso · Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 6:02 pm Post subject:

SOCIALISM : You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM : You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM : You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM (NATIONAL SOCIALISM) : You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM : You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM : You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM : You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM : You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION : You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION : You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION : You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION : You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION : You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A BRITISH CORPORATION : You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION : Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now an enforced Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION : You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
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If I had a dollar for every time capitalism was blamed for the problems caused by government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap

notageek · Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 6:16 pm Post subject:

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What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?

Old School · Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 6:19 pm Post subject:

bogamol · Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 7:42 pm Post subject:

Muso · Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 7:48 pm Post subject:

Frankthedog · n00b Joined: 20 Feb 2012 Posts: 0

The 'cow' ones are hysterical, I've read them a while ago but lost the link, glad you reminded me again!

These two are my favourites:

disi · Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:24 pm Post subject:

notageek · Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:20 am Post subject:

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

Try to be more welcoming to newcomers.
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Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

notageek · Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 3:45 am Post subject:

Dont Panic · Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 5:33 pm Post subject:

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

THE BLONDE WHO HUNTED ALLIGATORS....

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......

Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
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Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

Old School · Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:49 am Post subject:

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I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

SiberianSniper · Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 1:28 am Post subject:

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

Just don't ask me how they got in there....

BonezTheGoon · Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 3:37 pm Post subject:

SiberianSniper that reminds me of the one about Californian's and light bulbs.

How many Californian's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

[Edit: Fixed The to They]
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notageek · Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 4:17 pm Post subject:

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What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?

Muso · Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:42 am Post subject:

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
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If I had a dollar for every time capitalism was blamed for the problems caused by government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

_________________
Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

BonezTheGoon · Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 4:59 pm Post subject:

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because; over the years they had become big, loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
_________________
Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

notageek · Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:45 pm Post subject:

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What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?

Clad in Sky · l33t Joined: 04 May 2007 Posts: 657 Location: Germany

stolen from the Pratchett forum (not related to DW, though)

BBC News - Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
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Kali Ma
Now it's autumn of the aeons
Dance with your sword
Now it's time for the harvest

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1499 Location: U.S.A.

Muso · Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2012 9:49 pm Post subject:

Remy: Cough Drops-The Mandate (feat. Sandra Fluke)
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If I had a dollar for every time capitalism was blamed for the problems caused by government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap

Muso · Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 10:20 pm Post subject:

Recession : When your neighbor loses his job.

Depression : When you lose your job.

Recovery : When Obama loses his job.
_________________
If I had a dollar for every time capitalism was blamed for the problems caused by government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap