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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 12:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A journalist in Jerusalem heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

The journalist asks, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

The old man considers the question for a moment, and replies, "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
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pjp
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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 2:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol:
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Muso
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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 4:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

pjp wrote:
:lol:


++

that's a gem.
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BonezTheGoon
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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 10:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice!
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The greater evil is voting for the "lesser evil."
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energyman76b
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 9:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't get it. I am praying to a bunch of gods every day and all the things I asked for so far have been fulfilled.
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Libertardian denial of reality is wholly unimpressive and unconvincing, and simply serves to demonstrate what a bunch of delusional fools they all are.

Satan's got perfectly toned abs and rocks a c-cup.
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pjp
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 5:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

energyman76b wrote:
I don't get it. I am praying to a bunch of gods every day and all the things I asked for so far have been fulfilled.
Which naturally proves the gods exist. :lol:
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mrbassie
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Paddy walks into a department store and asks the guy at the counter "Excuse me, do you have any potato clocks?"

The guy behind the counter says "What?"

Paddy repeats "Do you have any potato clocks?"

The guy behind the counter says "Are you having a laugh?"

Paddy says "No."

The guy behind the counter says "We've got carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks, Grandfather clocks and alarm clocks; what's a potato clock?"

And Paddy says "Well I'm not sure myself but I'm starting a new job at nine o'clock tomorrow and my wife says I've got to get a potato clock."




(I'm Irish, I'm allowed to tell Irish Jokes).
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Muso
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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2014 7:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Need a bass player?
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notageek
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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2014 8:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Muso wrote:
Need a bass player?
:lol:
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pjp
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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2014 3:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Before I read it, I thought of the South Park episode.
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Muso
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says, "How is this possible?"

The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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pjp
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol:

Is it illegal everywhere to do that, or only just in some states?
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2014 8:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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pjp
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 5:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Muso
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 2:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A doctor from France says:"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work.
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pjp
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 3:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

:twisted:
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Koala Kid
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2014 3:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
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pjp
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2014 4:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol:

Long, but good.
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Anon-E-moose
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2014 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol: LoL :lol:
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Muso
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2014 8:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why are so few Muslim rapes reported?

Goats can't talk
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2014 1:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple has twins and gives them up for adoption. One is adopted by a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other adopted by a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later, the mother receives a photograph of Juan from the Spanish family, and laments to her husband that she wishes the Egyptian family would do the same, to which the husband replies, "They're twins: if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
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patrix_neo
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2014 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

energyman76b wrote:
I don't get it. I am praying to a bunch of gods every day and all the things I asked for so far have been fulfilled.


I hate you.
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notageek
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2014 3:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bones McCracker wrote:
A couple has twins and gives them up for adoption. One is adopted by a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other adopted by a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later, the mother receives a photograph of Juan from the Spanish family, and laments to her husband that she wishes the Egyptian family would do the same, to which the husband replies, "They're twins: if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
:lol:
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2014 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A CNN Reporter, BBC Reporter, and an Israeli commando were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, ‘Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, ‘I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The terror leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, ‘Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The leader turned and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the ass,” said the soldier.

“What?’ asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Israeli. So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the ass.

The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

Found this on Breitbart and immediately thought of our European brothers.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2014 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Old School wrote:
“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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