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hannahharstad
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 6:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Any Scots here??? I got one...


Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...
'Well, quit fookin' it then, ya evil bastard!'
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tylerwylie
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bandmate shared this one with me.

Quote:
A man arrives on a tropical island for a vacation, as he arrives in the hotel he hears some drumming going on nearby, he can't locate it, but he just lives with it and goes to his hotel room. Before he goes out to dinner with his friends, he can still hear the drumming. He just thinks they're crazy so he continues on his way.

After a great night out, the man arrives back at 1AM, and still hears the drumming. He locates the drumming near the lobby of the hotel, and asks the drummer why he must keep drumming, a nearby local said "We have to keep drumming, we cannot stop."

He tries to sleep, eventually falling asleep through the night, waking up and he STILL heard the drumming. He goes and now demands to know why, "Why must you keep drumming?" the nearby local responds "We have to keep drumming, we cannot stop."

This wasn't good enough for the man, he goes, "Why must you keep druming? What happens when you stop?"

The man was expecting a tribal reason or celebration of some sort, but fully understood after they gave him the real reason for the drumming, the local said in response with widened eyes, "Bass solo"

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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hannahharstad wrote:
Any Scots here??? I got one...


Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...
'Well, quit fookin' it then, ya evil bastard!'

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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jadelee
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's really funny, guy! Tnx for sharing! :wink: By the way, have you heard a joke about MJ? As it is still hot theme for today i'll share it with you.
- What does King of Pop mean?
- Pervert On Pills...
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Butts McCokey
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

jadelee wrote:
That's really funny, guy! Tnx for sharing! :wink: By the way, have you heard a joke about MJ? As it is still hot theme for today i'll share it with you.
- What does King of Pop mean?
- Pervert On Pills...
Q. what's the difference between "Thriller" and Michael Jackson's heart?
A. Thriller still has a good beat to it
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 08, 2009 10:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
jadelee wrote:
That's really funny, guy! Tnx for sharing! :wink: By the way, have you heard a joke about MJ? As it is still hot theme for today i'll share it with you.
- What does King of Pop mean?
- Pervert On Pills...
Q. what's the difference between "Thriller" and Michael Jackson's heart?
A. Thriller still has a good beat to it

Did you hear that MJ might actually have died of food poisoning?
50 year old hot dog and 8 year old buns

What were Michael Jackson's last words?
"Please, please. Take me to a children's hospital."

Did you hear the Dalai Lama weighed in on Michael Jackson? Apparently, MJ has already been reincarnated as a grocery bag: white, plastic and dangerous to children.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 6:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I heard dear Michael got cremated and got his ashes scattered over a sandbox.
Now the kids can finally play with him...
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jdmulloy
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
When Farrah passed away yesterday morning, she was praised for her courageous fight with cancer. When she reached the pearly gates, Saint Peter asked her if there was any wish that she had that remained unfulfilled. Farrah thought for a moment, and told Saint Peter that her only regret was that she couldn't save all of the children from horrible fates, such as molestation and abuse. Saint Peter replied that her wish would be honored.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 2:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sex On Mars The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?', asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.'

I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears.

With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
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Butts McCokey
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 7:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q. What's faster than a speeding bullet?
A. A jew with a coupon
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Since the bible and the church are obviously mistaken about where we came from, how can we trust them with where we're going?

"An eye for an eye will make us all blind" - Gandhi

Cold is gods way to tell us to burn more Catholics
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jdmulloy
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
Q. What's faster than a speeding bullet?
A. A jew with a coupon


Wow! Then again with you I'm not surprised.
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Butts McCokey
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jdmulloy wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
Q. What's faster than a speeding bullet?
A. A jew with a coupon


Wow! Then again with you I'm not surprised.
I'm watching Man Utd v Wolfsburg online and a German posted that. I thought it was funny.
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Since the bible and the church are obviously mistaken about where we came from, how can we trust them with where we're going?

"An eye for an eye will make us all blind" - Gandhi

Cold is gods way to tell us to burn more Catholics
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lamaistres
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 8:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An old man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can buy six tablets of Viagra cut into quarters.
"I can cut them for you", said Dan the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection." "I am 96",
said the old man, "I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers."
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My girlfriend is a porn star.

"Girlfriend", that is, 'till she finds out.
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A yuppie appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"So," said Saint Peter, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"

"Uh, well, yes. Yes, there's one thing.", the yuppie offered.

"On a trip to Fort Lauderdale, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were harassing a young woman. I demanded that they leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face. I kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!'"

St. Peter, looking suitably impressed, said, "Indeed! Commendable. And when did all this happen?"

And the yuppie replied, "Just a couple minutes ago."
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Butts McCokey
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 4:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'.
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Since the bible and the church are obviously mistaken about where we came from, how can we trust them with where we're going?

"An eye for an eye will make us all blind" - Gandhi

Cold is gods way to tell us to burn more Catholics
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Old School
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 11:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Pope and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi were on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope said, “Did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”

Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says, “One little wave of your hand, and all people will rejoice forever?? Show me”, she said.

..so the Pope slapped her.
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

old school wrote:
The Pope and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi were on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope said, “Did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”

Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says, “One little wave of your hand, and all people will rejoice forever?? Show me”, she said.

..so the Pope slapped her.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Butts McCokey
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://omploader.org/vMmx0MA NSFW
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Since the bible and the church are obviously mistaken about where we came from, how can we trust them with where we're going?

"An eye for an eye will make us all blind" - Gandhi

Cold is gods way to tell us to burn more Catholics
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 5:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why is it when your wife gets pregnant all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations", but nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"?
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nixnut
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 5:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
Why is it when your wife gets pregnant all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations", but nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"?

Because of the risk of rubbing the wrong dick?
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Lazarevac
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 7:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Jew, an Englishman and a Hindu hikers had tried finding a place to stay overnight. Finally they were received by a host farmer, but one of them had to sleep in a barn, since only two beds were available in a house...

Hindu guy accepted to go in barn. After few minutes, just b4 two other guys were ready for a bed, there was a knock on the door. It was a Hindu man complaining that since there is a cow in a barn, he can not sleep overthere for religoius isssues. Then a Jew went to a barn.

Few minutes later there is a knock on the room door. It was a Jew who compained that there is a pig in a barn, and that he cannon spend the space with a pig... Finally an Englishman went to a barn and two other guys remained in a room.

Few minutes afterwards, there is a knock on the door. There were a pig and a cow...





(you can make your own substitutes here, I just happen to like Englishman more 8)
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 7:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

nixnut wrote:
BoneKracker wrote:
Why is it when your wife gets pregnant all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations", but nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"?

Because of the risk of rubbing the wrong dick?


remind me NEVER to be in the same room as you when someone mentions they are pregnant
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 12:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Four geek video gamers had been getting together online every Friday evening for the past three years to play World of Warcraft.

One of them, Alex, got married.

After a year of him being on the computer literally all night Friday, his wife finally put her foot down and told him, "Not this Friday! It's our anniversary, and we're going to do something special!"

Disappointed, the other three guys logged in Friday, but they were surprised to find Alex already in there, waiting!

So they asked him, "Alex, I thought you said you had to do something with your wife!?"

Alex said, "Well, I came home from work, and there was a little trail of rose petals on the floor. So I followed them, and there was a glass of champagne, so I took it and kept following them, there was my wife in a very sexy sheer negligee.

"She took me by the hand and led me to the bedroom, where there was dim lights, scented candles burning, sexy music playing, and furry handcuffs attached to the bed posts.

She did a strip-tease, then she poured champagne on her boobs and on my... thing... and then she licked it off and went down on me.

She laid down on the bed and closed the furry handcuffs around her ankles and wrists. Then she looked up at me and said, "Do whatever you want!"



So here I am."
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 2:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol: :lol: :lol:

An Indian, Israeli, and a West Virginian were hitch hiking together through Europe. One evening a local farmer took them in his home. Because there were only two extra beds, the Indian volunteered to sleep in the barn.

Just as the other two were getting into bed, there came a knock on the door. It was the Indian, and he explained that there was a beef hanging to cure in the barn, and his beliefs prohibited him sleeping there.

No problem said the Israeli. "I'll sleep in the barn." Just as the other two were getting into bed, there came a knock at the door. It was the Israeli, and he explained that there were pigs in the barn, and his beliefs prohibited him sleeping there.

No problem said the West Virginian. "I'll sleep in the barn." Just as the other two were getting into bed, there came a knock on the door. It was the pigs.
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