Jokess

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1488 Location: U.S.A.

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.

After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tightlipped smile, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself.

With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief Petty Officer, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."
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Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

notageek · Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:47 pm Post subject:

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What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?

linoseros · n00b Joined: 05 Feb 2012 Posts: 3

lol like it

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1488 Location: U.S.A.

President Teddy Roosevelt was concerned about Native American issues and trying to gather facts by talking directly to the "Indians". He was taken to see Chief Flocking Eagle, said to be over 90 years old and renowned for his memory.

Roosevelt traveled into Indian country, was brought into a tepee, and was presented to a wizened old Indian with a great head dress of feathers. "This must be Flocking Eagle", thought Teddy.

"How!", said the Chief, giving the traditional Indian greeting.

"How!", replied Teddy.

"He looks ancient", thought Roosevelt. "I bet he's senile." So after some small-talk, he asked Flocking Eagle, "What did you have for lunch on Monday?"

The old Chieftain looked at him and said, "Pemmican and berries".

"Hmm.. okay.", thought Teddy, and proceeded to interview him about the history of relations between the government and Indians.

At the end of the interview, Teddy decided to try to test him again, and catch him off guard. So he said, "Okay, what about breakfast on August 14th, 1885?"

To his amazement, the old Chief studied the roof of the teepee for a few seconds, and confidently replied, "Eggs." Teddy went on his way, impressed.

Ten years later, the retired and ailing President happened to be traveling through Indian country once again. He decided to drop in and see if the old Chief was still around, and ask him the secret of his long life.

He was brought into a teepee, and there sat Chief Flocking Eagle, smoking a pipe, and apparently not a day older.

"How!", said Roosevelt.

Flocking Eagle tilted his head in reflection for a second, and replied,"Poached".
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Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

notageek · Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:58 pm Post subject:

WTF?!
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What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1488 Location: U.S.A.

I'm not going to ruin it by explaining it.
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Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

notageek · Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 6:55 pm Post subject:

I got it. It is a poor joke.
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What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1488 Location: U.S.A.

You just have a lousy sense of humor. :cry:

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Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

Clad in Sky · l33t Joined: 04 May 2007 Posts: 657 Location: Germany

Agreed.
That joke was great.
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Now it's autumn of the aeons
Dance with your sword
Now it's time for the harvest

notageek · Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 7:47 pm Post subject:

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What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?

dmitchell · Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:15 pm Post subject:

Not laugh-out-loud funny but it was amusing and evoked a small, closed mouth smile.
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Your argument is invalid.

Prenj · n00b Joined: 20 Nov 2011 Posts: 7 Location: Mostar, BiH

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1488 Location: U.S.A.

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1488 Location: U.S.A.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a smoking hot nurse comes in, takes his vitals, and tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top, and screws him senseless.

Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that if a man has a heavy ejaculation before a vasectomy he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, less painful, and more efficient.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're here for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obamacare."
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Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1488 Location: U.S.A.

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: “So, how are things in Hell?” Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

What! God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.“ “Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”

God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue!”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”
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Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

notageek · Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 3:13 pm Post subject:

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What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?

Muso · Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 9:51 pm Post subject:

How to properly deal with a religious protester
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If I had a dollar for every time capitalism was blamed for the problems caused by government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap

Muso · Posted: Wed May 09, 2012 6:48 am Post subject:

How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.
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If I had a dollar for every time capitalism was blamed for the problems caused by government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap

disi · Posted: Wed May 09, 2012 7:10 am Post subject:

Muso · Posted: Mon May 14, 2012 6:59 pm Post subject:

Ode to the Welfare State

“Father, must I go to work“
No, my lucky son,
We’re living now on easy street
On dough from Uncle Sam.

We’ve left it up to Uncle Sam;
so don’t get exercised.
Nobody has to give a danm,
we’ve all been subsidized!”

“But if Sam treats us all so well,
and feeds us milk and honey,
Please tell me, Daddy, tell me what the hell
he’s going to use for money?”

“Don’t worry, bub, there’s not a hitch
in this here noble plan;
He simply soaks the filthy rich
and helps the common man!”

“But father, won’t there come a time
when they run out of cash,
When we have left them not a dime
when things will go to smash?”

“My faith in you is shrinking,
son you nosey little brat;
You do too much thinking, boy,
to be a Democrat!”
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If I had a dollar for every time capitalism was blamed for the problems caused by government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1488 Location: U.S.A.

A man is strolling past a wooden privacy fence outside the insane asylum, and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him right in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

notageek · Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 6:57 pm Post subject:

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What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?

bogamol · Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 4:14 am Post subject:

Three whales are suspended high in the atmosphere. They begin to fall towards the earth. Two land on the ground; the third lands in the ocean.

Dah dum ptsh

BoneKracker · Veteran Joined: 14 Mar 2006 Posts: 1488 Location: U.S.A.

_________________
Oldthinkers unbellyfeel INGSOC.
-- Headline of a document on Winston Smith's terminal in his cubicle at the Ministry of Truth, seen briefly in the background in one scene of the movie rendition of Nineteen Eighty-Four.