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Old School
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some of you will know that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

old school wrote:
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I knew there had to be an explanation!
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In Ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

This is also the reason Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2009 1:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

really should be p2p but here goes.

Q. what do you have if there are nuts on your wall?

A. walnuts

Q. what do you have if you have nuts on your chest?

A. chestnuts.

Q. what do you have if you have nuts on your chin?

A. a dick in your mouth.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2009 8:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
This is also the reason Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.


Well, I think that really didn't matter to him all that much. Considering his being on the agora all the time.
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 8:13 pm    Post subject: I need some advice. Reply with quote

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 2:57 am    Post subject: Re: I need some advice. Reply with quote

NotQuiteSane wrote:
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

You should abrade the common hydraulic line to the read brakes to within 0.3 mm of rupture, adjacent to a likely point of contact with nearby metal, and then make a gift of the car to your girlfriend.

Being careful throughout not to remove any grease or dirt, girst rub the line against the nearby metal surface about two hundred times to make contact and wear marks. Then incise the line approximately one-third of the way around on the side where contact with the nearby metal surface would be made. Do it with a #4 gauge bastard-cut pippin file, which will be completely indistinguishable from normal contact wear even by a forensic tool-mark expert. Use bright light to ensure you get to the right depth without perforating the line. Use a magnet briefly to remove any metal filings without magnetizing any surfaces.

Don't bother fixing the rust around your wheel arch.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 6:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

george w bush
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avatar: new version of logo - see topic 838248. Potentially still a WiP.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 7:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? If you didn't see it, I'll give you the short version. We're completely broke, and deeply in debt, but we're going to do a bank rescue, universal healthcare, give everybody a college education, have a bigger war in Afghanistan, cut the deficit in half, and cure cancer. We were this close to universal blow jobs."

--Bill Maher
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 7:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno

"President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS." --Jay Leno
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 11:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa : half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe : well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain : very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece : gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain : with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel : has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran: ruled by nuts.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 12:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What turns a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jrllop wrote:
What turns a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS
Hopeless will be here soon to chastise you.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 1:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa : half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe : well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain : very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece : gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain : with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel : has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran: ruled by nuts.

My greetings to Every man!
Long live the joker!
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 1:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jrllop wrote:
What turns a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS

:lol:
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RageOfOrder
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things,
like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop
to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the
Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they
would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the
bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered
Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students
did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a
unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the
Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office
right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large,
heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The
principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to
frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me
really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so
strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself
suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When
he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the
teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple
Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just
wait until your father gets home!"

So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he
heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but
didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would
you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister.
And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next
several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the
roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to
find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and
hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out.
Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster.
When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over,
dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.
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Butts McCokey
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I_ourselves wrote:
BoneKracker wrote:
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa : half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe : well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain : very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece : gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain : with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel : has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran: ruled by nuts.

My greetings to Every man!
Long live the joker!
they're not proper jokes, THESE are proper jokes!
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"An eye for an eye will make us all blind" - Gandhi

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 3:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
they're not proper jokes, THESE are proper jokes!

You're pathetic. Telling the same old joke again doesn't count as a new joke. Come up with some new jokes.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A world-wide survey on food shortage was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
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Since the bible and the church are obviously mistaken about where we came from, how can we trust them with where we're going?

"An eye for an eye will make us all blind" - Gandhi

Cold is gods way to tell us to burn more Catholics
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Butts McCokey
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
they're not proper jokes, THESE are proper jokes!

You're pathetic. Telling the same old joke again doesn't count as a new joke. Come up with some new jokes.
and you think two unfunny Obama jokes and another shit one complies with that rule? I dont think so "birther"
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Since the bible and the church are obviously mistaken about where we came from, how can we trust them with where we're going?

"An eye for an eye will make us all blind" - Gandhi

Cold is gods way to tell us to burn more Catholics
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 4:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
BoneKracker wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
they're not proper jokes, THESE are proper jokes!

You're pathetic. Telling the same old joke again doesn't count as a new joke. Come up with some new jokes.
and you think two unfunny Obama jokes and another shit one complies with that rule? I dont think so "birther"

Any new joke is better than a joke somebody just told, "birther". You should change your forum ID to "cokeBirther"
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Butts McCokey
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 4:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BoneKracker wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
BoneKracker wrote:
cokehabit wrote:
they're not proper jokes, THESE are proper jokes!

You're pathetic. Telling the same old joke again doesn't count as a new joke. Come up with some new jokes.
and you think two unfunny Obama jokes and another shit one complies with that rule? I dont think so "birther"

Any new joke is better than a joke somebody just told, "birther". You should change your forum ID to "cokeBirther"
why would I do that, it just makes you look retarded. Luckily i'm too cool to look retarded
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Since the bible and the church are obviously mistaken about where we came from, how can we trust them with where we're going?

"An eye for an eye will make us all blind" - Gandhi

Cold is gods way to tell us to burn more Catholics
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
An erection.

How many ni**ers does it take a lightbulb?
Why would you let one in your house just to change a lightbulb?

Two concentration camp guards are talking over a coffee break.
Guard 1: "You know, I was there to help clean out the ghettos, we rounded up a lot of jews that day, and shot the rest. I thought we'd gotten them all, but just yesterday I opened up the current phonebook, and found a jew right there."
Guard 2: "Really, how was that? Who was he?"
Guard 1: "He was the paper."
....Later....
Guard 2: "How many jews does it take to change a lightbulb?"
Guard 1: "We can turn them into lightbulbs?"

Did you hear about the Norwegian who spent all night studying for his urine test?

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive a car?
She was a woman.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 5:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The FBI, the CIA and the LAPD have a contest in detection. The contest takes place in a national park.
For each organization, there's a rabbit turned loose in a designated patch of forest. To win, all a team needs to do is find their rabbit.

The CIA team conducts a covert investigation taking three months, whenever their operatives encounter park rangers, headquarters denies all involvement. Finally, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI investigation takes off with agents commandeering park ranger vehicles, interrogating tourists, and tracing cell phone calls into and out of the park. After three weeks, in frustration, they burn their patch of forest down and declare their rabbit "taken care of."

The LAPD goes in shooting at everything, tourists, rangers, poachers whatever. They come out three days later with a bear. The bear looks severely beaten, bruised and bloodied, and shouting, "Okay, okay. I'm a rabbit. I'm a rabbit."
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I_ourselves
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 6:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
I_ourselves wrote:
BoneKracker wrote:
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa : half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe : well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain : very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece : gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain : with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel : has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran: ruled by nuts.

My greetings to Every man!
Long live the joker!
they're not proper jokes, THESE are proper jokes!

Are you a man? Then you're like Iran :D
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