losing the love of my life...

[feld]

It's been a while since I posted on here but I have nothing better to do tonight than rant about my life. I'm sure you'll find this an interesting read nonetheless...

I was with my girlfriend for the last 6 years. It has been wonderful. For me at least. I have loved every second of it and she is the most important thing in my life without a doubt.

We have both been so in love but perhaps lately things faded a little bit. I'm unsure. But here's a timeline of events...

Back in December/January there was an incident. One day she just broke down crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. She told me that I'd hate her forever. I feared the worst. As it turns out, at an after work party a guy 'put the moves on her' and kissed her. There was possibly a small make-out session but she broke it off.

I was hurt and upset. Not angry, just confused. Then I looked at the facts. This guy started this, this happened, and she came forward to me with it instead of holding it inside. Things looked better. Forgive and forget; I considered it a minor offence. Even today asking her about it she says it was 'a complete mistake'. I did forgive and forget. Totally. I had a few minor trust issues with her going out, but I got over them and time passed. I totally forgot about the incident. Life was good.

Not long afterwards we went to her friends wedding. It was wonderful. We had a great time dancing and such. She was so in love with me... you know, always telling me so. Her friend kept asking 'when are you two getting married?!' and she'd give me a smile. We had discussed this before. We were going to wait for a better time financially and we'd take care of it then. No worries, we knew where we were in life.

I had quit a job and picked up another. She got laid off and got another. I wanted to move towards the city where there were more jobs for me and she begged me to stay because she loved her new job so much. This was in April.

Fast forward to June. She wanted to get together with some friends she went to school with. She asked me if I would mind if she left for a few days. I encouraged her to have a good time because she hadn't been out lately and seemed a little bored. (Where we lived we didnt have many friends around; we'd go visit them on weekends and such when our schedules worked out.)

So she went. And had a great time. She came back with pictures and stories and all kinds of stuff. This was week one.

She tells me 'they want me to come down next week again'. There was some kind of event they wanted to attend with her. She had a great time and seemed in good spirits. I encouraged her again. Same thing happened. This was week two.

The next week (or the week after; cant remember the timeline exactly) she already had plans to go down there AGAIN. It was for the 4th of July. I didnt really care and encouraged her to go again. When she got back we had friends coming UP for the weekend. We had such a wonderful time. Two things stuck out in my mind: She was talking on the phone with someone in the bar and wasnt telling me who it was but I didnt care. That night after we got back we were having a good time and she disappeared. I found her in the bedroom on the phone again. I heard a male voice; didnt really care but was just angry she was neglecting her friends. We had a fight.

I took her phone and stripped the battery. I wanted her angry. See, these last few weeks she was really distant. Cheery, but distant. We didnt have much for sexual activity but that wasnt totally out of place. Sometimes we just got busy and shit and a few weeks would go by without much but the next few it would be like it was going out of style.
She got upset. Yelled, screamed and cried. Her friends talked to her for me. She threatened to move out. (Which wasnt the first time in the last 3 years she threatened that in a fight. It was always used as an angry, hurtful scare tactic which I just ignored... We both knew it wouldnt happend and we always made up after fights and life was good.)

We made up. Or so I thought....

The day after we had a great time again with friends. Really great. Most fun I had with her in ages. The next day was a day I will never forget.

She came home from work and seemed a bit grumpy. I wanted some action; she pushed me away. I got a little upset and asked her what her problem was. I finally coaxed it out of her.

'I think I'm in love with someone else.'

W T F

I could not believe what I just heard. I thought it was a joke. No. It was real. And she was seriously talking about moving out. This was dropped on me like a bomb. I had not suspected a thing. Here's what apparently happened.

She got down on herself sometimes. Was a little depressed I guess. At least that's what I seem to have perceived. I always cheered her up and life was good. Well she sometimes would go on a little rant about 'independence' which I thought we had cleared up. She had said before that she was sick of her life being 'me and her'. Everyone knows us that way. It upset her somehow. I gave her more freedom and encouraged her to go out. This was back in like November/December. And she did. And she had a great time. And i thought this was cleared up. I guess not......

Week one: she went down and saw friends she hasnt spoken with in over a year. A guy she went to school with used to hit on her I vaguely remember. I thought it was annoying but funny because he was kind of a loser; annoying to talk to and not good looking at all in my opinion. He hit on her. She fell for it. She made out with him, possibly did more. He wanted to have sex with her, she said 'no i cant...' and he said 'i respect that'. She was down there for like 3 days. Either she had sex with him the next day she was with him or it was the next week. This is unclear and I dont care.

Week two: She goes down to see friends and him again. Probably has sex with him again. Dont really know nor do I care.

Week three: Rinse and repeat.


So she broke this news to me about 'i think im in love with someone else' and told me she needed time to herself. She left and went down to his place (which I found out later).

In May I had written a perl program to send SMS to phones via email gateways and it made it really easy to do and didnt cost us a thing (we didnt have a messaging plan). On her laptop via wonderful .bash_history I found she had been talking to him. Dirty talk too. This is how I found out she had sex with him. This is how I found out lots of details she didnt initially come forward with but admitted when I asked.

She put in her two weeks at work. I left for a few days. She went down to see him even though I asked for her to have time alone. Her friends and family are against her doing this. She wanted someone 'on her side' so she went to talk to him. And whatever else that may entail...

I put in my two weeks. I had to live with her for two weeks knowing she was talking to him all the time. I saw some conversations I regret seeing.

I ended up packing up her car last Tuesday. She cried in my arms, said she was a horrible person and said the real reason she's going right now is that she cant stand to look at me because of her guilt. She wants to find herself as a person figure out what she's going to do in life... and find out her real feelings for me as well as seeing if there's anything with this other guy. Before she left though I got some sexual action out of her. It brought on by a previous conversation (that I didnt really want to participate in) in which she said I was better at oral than he was. So I coaxed her, turned her on, SHE LOVED IT, and then I got denied when I wanted sex. She was a little upset and confused at that point. She showered and I packed her car. She left. We did NOT say goodbye though and that was made a firm point.


Here's the summary.

-I love her to death and I'd do anything for her. I forgive her for doing this; people make mistakes*. She has only ever been with me and I with her so I can understand the lust behind this. I dont want anyone else though... I think about her day and night. I've offered sacrifices. I would give up anything to make her happy. In summary, she is EVERYTHING to me.

-She admits she still loves me. She admits she is still in love with me but relents to say how much and sometimes says 'maybe' or 'a little' but is very shy to admit it.

-We're still friends. I still talk to her. I still want her in my life. She knows this. She IS my best friend. I cannot hate her. It kills me to know she's going through this tough time and it kills me to know I dont have much power right now.

-She's currently living with him and his PARENTS. She's 3 hours away. All attempts to get her to come back have been denied so far even though I've offered her so much. She insists she needs to do this right now. She has been in this situation for the last week. She may have gotten a shitty job today... She insists she's getting an apartment with a girl friend of hers Sept 1st.

-She still wears a ring I gave her. Even when she has been with him she has worn it. I queried her about it and she said she'd 'be lost without it'.

*I feel that she made an honest mistake and still loves me. I feel this is fixable. I feel trust can be rebuilt. I've let her know this. I've let her know I'm here ready and waiting and that there will always be a place for her with me.



I need comments. Suggestions. Points of view and support. WTF do I do? I seriously dont want a life without her. We had plans to get married... have kids... etc. I know she still loves me and this has been affirmed. This is seriously tearing me up. The last 3 weeks have been hell.
_________________
< bmg505> I think the first line in reiserfsck is

if (random(65535)< 65500) { hose(partition); for (i=0;i<100000000;i++) print_crap(); }

[papal_authority]

Let her go. She's trying to let you down easy, she won't come back. Oh and if you see the guy, beat the crap out of him. It'll help ease the pain.
_________________
The free market gave me gonorrhea.

[Phenax]

[old school]

Yeah, you gotta quit begging her, it makes you look weak in her eyes. Give her some time. If she calls you, fine, but quit calling her.
_________________
The hammer of the gods,
Will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying:
"Valhalla, I am coming!"

[feld]

[old school]

Well, I hope it works out for you. It hurts like hell, I know.
_________________
The hammer of the gods,
Will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying:
"Valhalla, I am coming!"

[feld]

[atrus123]

Sorry man. I hope things start looking up.
_________________
Gigolo John

[Dralnu]

Leave her be, and go on with life. She isn't the only woman in the world (even if your views may or may not be diffrent). Just chill, get over it (and I mean seriously, get over it. Not the "Oh, I'm over it, but I loved it when she..." way, but the "Oh, who? Yeah, her.." way).

Good luck to ya man.
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The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck, is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
Help keep Portage updated

[Hopeless]

Honestly, I'd say at some point she's going to wake up and realise what a big mistake she's made, but do yourself a big favour and don't wait for her.

She screwed you over badly, and I haven't really seen anything in what you posted that suggests she felt bad about it, especially not while she doing this.

It's broken, let her go, move closer to the city like you wanted and start again.
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"He's lucky that's all I bit off!"

[s3ntient]

I don't want to seem insensitive or anything because I know how you feel, I experienced something very similar myself.. however you have to realize that there's no such thing as a "love of my life", people are meant to be together as long as it's beneficial for both parties. It's obviously no longer beneficial to you wanting to be with her, so let her her go, move on, the faster you realize this the better off you'll be; you can live without her, you have before. Face it, if she was capable of doing this to you, she wasn't the right person for you, or you for her, anymore. It's hard at first, but go out, meet new people, have fun. I guarantee it'll be better than lamenting over your loss and wallowing in self-pity, you'll get over it sooner than you think that way.
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http://www.last.fm/user/s3ntient/

[feld]

well i just fucked myself over big time. i was talking to her on MSN and he jumped onto the keyboard. which was ackward.

[drizek]

So is this guy physically attractive?
_________________
"They're fucking telling me which way to take a piss and for how long." - Colin Powell

[atrus123]

[historian]

Ugh. I'm sorry to hear that you've been having to face a bad breakup with a close friend. That's about the emotional equivalent being disemboweled. It's a horrible feeling.

Not sure if it helps really, but two cents from a random woman's perspective...

It sounds to me like she hit a point where she didn't really know what she wanted. So now she's off trying to find herself, and she's sending a hundred double signals while doing so.

It's possible that she will suddenly realize that she's made a big mistake and come running back. However, it is also very possible that she won't. It might take her a very long time indeed to come to the realization. It is also possible that she knows you are "good" for her but on some level, her feelings and wants have shifted, and who knows what that means.

If she does decide to come back, you really need to consider whether you really want to get back together with her. I know you are close and you love her, but from an outsider point of view, her actions don't make her sound especially trustworthy. If she needed time apart, she could have been honest with you and moved out for a while to collect her thoughts. Instead, she went on a romantic fling behind your back, then moved out, and straight in with him. (And his parents...that's just weird.) Perhaps she's honest most of the time, but those actions certainly aren't. I'm not saying this to put her down, as I'm sure she has fine qualities (you wouldn't like her if she didn't)--just to say that dishonesty is a really corrosive thing in a long term relationship like marriage.

Whatever you decide about her, I would definitely do everything you can to move on. No matter how awful you feel and how much you want her back, don't loose your self-respect. She's in the wrong here and she betrayed you. It's OK to forgive, but she shouldn't get the unlimited privilege of continuing to jerk you around emotionally.

[old school]

[historian]

[Zepp]

Guy sounds like a dumb asshole. "'ill fight for this gurl " gurl? I hate that crap. I agree with papal that you should just let her go and this guy deserves a good punch in the face.

[sugar]

[feld]

we just had a fight cell phone text message style.

she still wants to be friends with me. she knows where i stand. i've made her really angry but in the process hopefully pissed this guy off so their relationship is done or dwindling.

i'm just gonna let this cook now. i have no more options. if she comes to me i'll offer to rebuild this all from scratch. otherwise i cant dwell on this anymore. the first time she messes up though she'll be gone.

this sucks so badly. i wanted a future with this girl more than anything. really makes you doubt yourself, life, love, and happiness....
_________________
< bmg505> I think the first line in reiserfsck is

if (random(65535)< 65500) { hose(partition); for (i=0;i<100000000;i++) print_crap(); }

[sugar]

[Brainfart]

[shickapooka800]

comforting realist view.
advice on how to approach the situation.
how you should feel about it in the end.

you figure it out.
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The Dose Makes the Poison

[Brainfart]

[shickapooka800]