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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2013 3:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol:

Q: Where do you find a hot chick with no arms and no legs?
A: Right where you left her.

A Lesson In Thrift:

A man's son turns sixteen, so he gives the lad $100 and sends him down to the local whorehouse to get laid. On the way, he passes Grandma sitting on the porch, and she asks him where he's off to in such a hurry with such a big grin. Aghast at his response, she says, "A hundred dollars! That's a fortune. Put in your bank and I'll do it for free!"

Afterward the boy proudly tells his father how he saved a hundred dollars. The father, shocked nearly beyond speech says, "Do you mean to tell me that you fucked my mother?!" The boy then says, "What's the big deal? You fucked mine."
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Bones McCracker
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 22, 2013 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just high enough to cover my breasts."
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Muso
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2013 4:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Balls
INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

Clearly, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller these game/sports balls become.

CONCLUSION:
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles...
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pjp
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2013 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The priest said to the rabbi...
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Muso
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2013 4:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol:
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bogamol
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 19, 2013 4:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Muso wrote:
Balls
INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

Clearly, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller these game/sports balls become.

CONCLUSION:
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles...


No. They lost them.
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 19, 2013 4:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

bogamol wrote:
They lost them.


:lol: ++
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 3:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

60 is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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pjp
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Obvious what was coming, but still funny.

I hope I die before I get old. Hilarious song for AARP to choose, though appropriate for their target demographic.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 5:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Agreed on all points.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 5:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridalshop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color are you looking for?" The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.

Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.....
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pjp
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 3:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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notageek
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 3:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! Isn't it funny that there's a band called 'One Direction' because it is also the name I give to my asshole.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 3:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What did socialists use before candles?


Electricity


notageek wrote:
Wow! Isn't it funny that there's a band called 'One Direction' because it is also the name I give to my asshole.


So you call your girlfriend's "Two directions"? 8)
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 31, 2013 12:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Libertarian."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 31, 2013 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Muso wrote:
notageek wrote:
Wow! Isn't it funny that there's a band called 'One Direction' because it is also the name I give to my asshole.


So you call your girlfriend's "Two directions"? 8)


:lol:
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notageek
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 31, 2013 2:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

:lol:
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pjp
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 31, 2013 4:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Muso wrote:
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Libertarian."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
:lol: :lol: :lol:

The rest of it was good too, but it seems like that was the premise for which the whole joke was created.
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 02, 2013 8:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A necessary feminine skill
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pjp
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 02, 2013 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes they are. Two staple sandwiches.

Thankfully she also teaches how to cut watermelon. I had no idea.
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS and it puzzles me....

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I simply replied: 12 million illegal immigrants......3 million crack heads......47 million unemployed people on food-stamps......2 million people in over 243 prisons......half of Mexico......535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and 1 useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer?

I keep asking myself, WHO DID I MISS?
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Muso wrote:
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS and it puzzles me....

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I simply replied: 12 million illegal immigrants......3 million crack heads......47 million unemployed people on food-stamps......2 million people in over 243 prisons......half of Mexico......535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and 1 useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer?

I keep asking myself, WHO DID I MISS?
LOL

I wish I had the economic freedom to do that, then leave the country. Except there isn't really a "better" country to which I could flee.
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q. How do you know when a girl is "too young"?

A. You have to make plane noises to get your cock in her mouth
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 7:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q. How do you make a gay fuck a woman?

A. Shit in her cunt
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cokehabit wrote:
Q. How do you know when a girl is "too young"?

A. You have to make plane noises to get your cock in her mouth


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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